Scene: EU Commission in Brussels. A urgent meeting of EU Officials.
LOUIS: This is an outrage!!
HANS: It is totally unacceptable.
SVEN: Intolerable.
DIRK: We cannot allow it.
LOUIS: To be scorned by such a shitty little country.
HANS: Don’t they realise who we are?
DIRK: How important we are?
LOUIS: We are World Leaders after all. First it was the Balkans, now the Middle East. We are in danger of not being taken seriously again.
SVEN: You mean, we are taken seriously now?
LOUIS: OF COURSE WE ARE, YOU SWEDISH OAF!!!
DIRK: Okay, okay. Let’s calm down. We must present a united front.
LOUIS: The Americans, the Israelis. Is there anybody else out there who is going to humiliate us?
SVEN: The Russians?
LOUIS: Shut up, Sven! We cannot allow this to stand.
HANS: Absolutely.
DIRK: We must put our foot down.
HANS: For sure.
DIRK: Show that we cannot just be pushed around.
LOUIS: Bravo! We must hit back.
HANS: Retaliate.
SVEN: How about a military response?
LOUIS: What with, Sven, what with?
SVEN: Oh yes. Good point.
DIRK: We must do something.
HANS: To show them we mean business.
LOUIS: I know, I’ve got it……!!
SVEN: What?
LOUIS: We will impose immediate trade sanctions on the Israelis.
HANS: Excellent idea.
SVEN: Louis strikes again.
DIRK: That is perfect, perfect.
HANS: That will teach them a lesson.
SVEN: They will never cross swords with us again.
LOUIS: We will prohibit all movement of goods, all travel and all banking transactions to and from Israel.
DIRK: Will I still be able to buy bagels?
HANS: Dirk, you are being very unharmonious today.
DIRK: Sorry.
LOUIS: One week of this and they will be begging, begging us to intervene and impose a solution on the Middle East.
HANS: So are we all decided?
DIRK: Definitely.
SVEN: I vote yes.
HANS: Good. I will prepare an immediate proposal on behalf of the whole Commission.
[Pause]
DIRK: Er…aren’t we…perhaps, being a bit hasty here?
LOUIS: What do you mean?
DIRK: Well…er…maybe it might make things worse.
SVEN: Oh yes, yes. Dirk has a point here. Maybe it could inflame the situation.
DIRK: Cause all manner of reprecussions.
HANS: Hmmm…well, we must avoid being confrontational I suppose.
LOUIS: But we must appear strong.
SVEN: But the Israelis are rather sensitive, just now.
DIRK: And they have a big army.
LOUIS: They do?
SVEN: And nuclear missiles!
LOUIS: Mon Dieu!! [Presses Intercom] “Francois, book me on a flight to New Zealand…”
HANS: And then of course there is the Americans.
DIRK: Oh yes, the Americans…..
SVEN: There is not telling how they might react.
LOUIS: They are a bunch of cowboys….
HANS: Unsophisticated.
DIRK: Savages, really.
SVEN: They might take this very badly.
HANS: Who knows what they might do?
DIRK: And then, of course, there’s Tony.
LOUIS: Tony won’t like it.
SVEN: No, he definitely won’t like it.
HANS: He’ll make trouble for sure. I have an election this year.
DIRK: I’m very frightened of him, actually.
LOUIS: Oh pull yourself together, Dirk.
DIRK: Sorry (sniffle).
SVEN: Er…maybe…maybe we could put the matter on the agenda for a later date.
LOUIS: Yes.
DIRK: For discussion…
HANS: For debate…..
SVEN: As a way of sharing our concerns.
LOUIS: We will think about it.
DIRK: Consider it as a possibility.
HANS: As an idea….
SVEN: One of a number of options.
LOUIS: We can mention it in passing.
HANS: So, we are all agreed on that then?
ALL: Yes.
HANS: So. The matter is settled.
[Long Pause. Somewhere in the building a door slams. Outside a car backfires. In the distance, a dog is barking]
SVEN: Ahem…clears throat…I…I have some proposals regarding the standardisation of milk cartons.
DIRK: Milk Cartons! Excellent!
HANS: Now you’re talking.
LOUIS: Why didn’t you say so before?
DIRK: We must do something on this burning issue.
HANS: At last, we can address this festering sore in our body politic.
LOUIS: We must give the matter our utmost attention.
DIRK: Now we’re cooking with gas. Three cheers for Sven.
HANS: Louis, order some more white wine and cheese nibbles. We’re in for a long session.
