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London for Londoners

I spent some time in and around Leicester Square / Covent Garden / Oxford Street in central London this afternoon. The centre of the metropolis on a Saturday afternoon is full of people from other places. These people walk too slowly, don’t know when to stand and when to walk on the escalators (and which side to stand on), sometimes attempt to start conversations with strangers, and lack the proper air of purposefulness that is an integral part of the ancient London culture. At times they speak with absurd accents, totally different and much more jarring than the Slavic, Francophone and Hindustani accents that are so comfortable and reassuring, and that I am so used to hearing.

At times like this afternoon I feel alienated. I am culturally in a foreign place. This is no longer my city. This is not the city I did not grow up in.

When the London Independence Party (LIP) comes to power, something must be done about this. I fear that it is going to be necessary to impose border controls – at least on Friday evenings and Saturday mornings. These must be imposed near Watford, Epping, Reading, and a few other places, so that LONDON FOR LONDONERS can be maintained on our weekends.

Simultaneously we must maintain, defend, and keep open at all costs the corridors to Stansted, to Gatwick, and to Luton – to our precious airports. Desirable people must be allowed the freedom to come and go as they please, of course.

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14 comments to London for Londoners

  • lucklucky

    Hehehe 🙂

  • Kevin B

    So once a month I, a suburbanite, take a Monday evening stroll down Floral Street or King Street or sometimes Henrietta Street* for my monthly dose of Culture at the Royal Opera House and there are always people pushing past me or cursing me just because I’m a bit old and slow and they think they own the place.

    Although I must admit, the selfie culture does get on my tits sometimes.

    Incidently, I’ve just come back from watching Cav & Pag from the Metropolitan Opera, New York at my local cinema. I’d have loved to have been there, but two McVicar productions for the price of one were great value. What wonderful times we live in.

    *Depends where I want to eat.

  • Lee Moore

    UKIP opposes tourism ? Who knew ?

  • Regional

    So long as Bogans can behave like Bazza McKenzie it’ll be okay then?

  • Thailover

    The sad and frightning thing is, such a sentiment would seem reasonable and taken seriously if your piece was titled Paris for Parisites. LOL

  • James Strong

    What Lee Moore said.

  • Paul Marks

    “How to make London the most prosperous city in the universe”

    By Daniel Defoe.

    He suggested making London a free port – totally free trade (like modern Singapore).

  • The Sanity Inspector

    The greatest benefit of London seems today to be this, that in
    such a vast number of persons and conditions, one can believe there is
    room for such people as we read of in novels to exist.
    –Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1859

  • John Galt III

    My ancestors left Merry Old England between 1639 and 1645 – just leave your little island and choose somewhere else. They are all going to shit but at least here in Montana:

    1) I can carry open or concealed
    2) There are no mosques and few other minorities except on the (7) Indian Reservations
    3) We are the size of Germany 380,000 sq km vs. Germany’s 355,000
    4) We just crossed over the 1,000,000 mark in population – you can really be alone if you like.
    5)It’s very beautiful and often very cold but so what. Price you pay.

  • Michael Jennings (London)

    If you think Singapore is totally free trade, I would suggest trying to import a car.

    There is much to admire about the place, but “totally free trade” is going too far.

  • Nicholas (Self-Sovereignty) Gray

    I just realised- parasite and parisite are almost identical in sound. A coincidence? I think not!

  • The only reason to be anywhere near London on the weekend is if one is watching a Test at Lords.

  • nemesis

    You should instigate SPOT; Society for the Prevention of Tourists.

  • Mr Ed

    In some of England’s nicer coastal resorts, I think there ought to be a statutory provision (it’s terrible how annoyance weakens one’s liberal instincts) for a pub/restaurant called ‘The Braying Londoner’ for the pompous, slightly-lost and uneasy outside of London, middle-class Londoner types who are only there to show off to other such types and tell their little ‘Oscars’ or ‘Tabithas’ to behave for a moment, and for all types matching the description of the said pub/restaurant to be confined to it at drinking/meal times, so that normal people can have a nicer time.

    But I really couldn’t bring myself to support my own proposal, it would be far too tempting to start down that slippery slope.