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Clarkeltine calls on PM to make case for British involvement in EEUUGGHH!

Lord Clarkeltine of EUphoromania, in a minor speech to Moonshine News 24 this afternoon, said that the case for the EEUUGGHH! needed to be made more vigorously, decisively, forcefully and adverbially.

People say that the EEUUGGH! is an undemocratic and bureaucratic monstrosity, said Lord Clarkeltine, which is robbing the people of Europe and enmeshing them in a web of regulatory guff, and threatening to drive them back to a new dark age of economic slump and third class status, just so that a corrupt elite of EEUUGGHH!rocrats can eat free lunches for ever and live in big houses in the countryside. They say that the EEUUGGHH! will end a thousand years of Britain’s history as a sovereign nation. They say that the EEUUGGHH! is a pathetic attempt to replace the USA as the top world power which threatens to bankrupt everybody. They say that the EEUUGGHH! should be learning from the recent free market inspired progress of India and China, but is instead making a new EUSSRGGHH! in the Heart of Europe.

I will answer these claims firmly and decisively, vigorously and forcefully answering myth with fact, fantasy with reality, vicious xenophobic mudslinging with cool, clean, clear Vichy Water. No it isn’t. No it won’t. No it shouldn’t. It’s jolly nice. And we must say this again and again, time after time, repeatedly and repeatedly. The case for the EEUUGGHH! needs to be made eloquently and forcefully, decisively and realistically, realistically and persuasively, persuasively, and forcefully, and thisly, thatly and theotherly.

Asked why nobody was explaining why the EEUUGGHH! is nice and not nasty, Lord Clarkeltine was adamantly adamant:

I blame the Prime Minister. He promised us that he would con everyone about the EEUUGGHH! but he hasn’t done it. Lying bastard. The Prime Minister can explain anything. Why hasn’t he explained that the EEUUGGHH! is good? Obviously I could, but I’m too grand. The Prime Minister is ordinary. He should do it.

But what about when the EEUUGGHH! does stupid things?

Yes, Lord Clarkeltine continued continuously, warming warmly to his subjects, people complain about how the EEUUGGHH! is shutting down this or that stupid little industry, like fishing and bread-baking and, you know, mucky things of that sort. The answer, he insisted insistently, is that in order not to get too involved in the EEUUGGHH! Britain has to get more involved in the EEUUGGHH!

All you have to do to get the EEUUGGHH! to change the rules for you, give you money and lunches and a free town house in Brussels etcetera, is swear an oath of undying loyalty to it, vote YES to whatever the EEUUGGHH! says and sing the last movement of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony every morning and every night. What is the problem with that? We need to be at the Heart of EEUUGGHH!rope, to help it do bad things to all the other countries – and, yes, to Britain too, because one has to be realistic – and then ask the EEUUGGHH! nicely to be a bit less nasty to us and nastier to somebody else. It’s inevitable. It’s the future. You can’t argue against it, so stop it at once.

Lord Clarkeltine also said that the BBC was letting the side down with its relentlessly relentless diet of anti-EEUUGGHH! propaganda. They keep asking questions, he complained complaintively, about just how wonderful the EEUUGGHH! is, and about why the EEUUGGHH! doesn’t present itself better and why more and more of the little people still don’t like it. The BBC shouldn’t be asking questions, Lord Clarkeltine said, sayingfully. It should be supplying answers.

Lord Clarkeltine is an Honorary President for Ever of the Institute For Why We Are Right About Everything, an Assume Tank with offices in London, Brussels and the Sea of Tranquility.

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17 comments to Clarkeltine calls on PM to make case for British involvement in EEUUGGHH!

  • Bravo!!!

    Now if we can only get the Lord Kerry of Mass. and Zug to make the same brilliant case for the UN.

  • Oh come off it Micklethwait,you know we will all die of a nasty sexually transmitted dieases if we don’t join, stands to reason.

  • Antoine Clarke

    I’m not happy about the reference to the Sea of Tranquility.

    Lord Clarketine is many things, but a pioneer of space colonisation he is not.

    I also object to references to Vichy: as I have said elsewhere, Marshal Pétain surrendered when 13 million refugees were on the roads of France and the German army had marched down the Champs Elysées.

    A more accurate analogy would be Lord Haw-Haw.

  • Bob Dacron

    I was down in Egham recently and noticed in the local newspaper that a person called Mickelthwait managed to get over 200 votes in the European elections – bloody marvellous.

    You have the sodding Liberal Democrats on the run – the sooner you get into Europe and sabotage those bureaucrats the better.

    We mustn’t listen to those Tories who label us the lunatic fringe – we all know what a mess they made with Maastricht and the disastrous effect that had our economy (particularly share prices!!). The word is spreading. Keep it up, we’ll soon be able to make a unilateral withdrawal from Europe. It’s just a shame we can’t boot out all the socialists and the others and make this country great again.

  • Ron

    Lord Haw-Hawseltine…

    Why hadn’t I thought of it before?

  • Fabian Smith

    In a pointless post on a weblog viewed by around 50 people, one time UKIP Euro candidate Brian Muddlebrain said that physically uprooting Britain and detaching it from the rest of reality somewhere in space was the only way to save this once proud nation.

    He continued, “The Eeeeuuugh is an undemocratic and bureaucratic monstrosity which is smothering our children in a web of regulatory guff, and despite our current growth it is threatening to drive us back to a new dark age of economic slump and third class status like India and China, just so that a corrupt elite of EEUUGGHH!rocrats can eat free lunches for ever and live in big houses in the countryside – when that’s what I’d like to do myself. The EUUGGHH! will end a thousand years of Britain’s history as a sovereign nation – you peasants will really miss being ruled by an unelected head of state. The EEUUGGHH! is a pathetic attempt to replace the USA as the top world power which threatens to bankrupt everybody who has inherited large sums of money in the past, by making them pay awful taxes. The EEUUGGHH! should be learning from the recent low levels of poverty and human rights record of such places as India and China, but is instead making a new EUSSRGGHH! in the Heart of Europe. Save the Groat!! Save the Florin!! God save the thre’penny piece!!”

    Muddlebrain, who managed over one hundred votes in the recent elections thanked his friends, family and the fact that the inmates of a high security mental hospital were allowed to vote for the first time in a postal ballot.

    AAAAhhhh political satire, hilarious isn’t it?

  • Fabian Smith

    I drew blood. Good. You didn’t enjoy this. You weren’t supposed to. If this was a pointless post what does this make your comment on it?

    I didn’t stand at that election, it was my elder brother. And 50 people? Dream on. More like ten times that, and rising. And it may be many more by the time the linkers get to work on this next week, if they decide to.

    You need to get your facts straight, although I realise that this is far too much to ask of a EUromaniac.

    Your comment reveals a contempt for the blogosphere, the internet, and for public opinion in general, which is typical of your side’s non-contribution to this debate.

  • About 7,000 uniques per day come here, a bit less on weekends but up to 12,000 on a good day. We have had well over 3 million visits to Samizdata in its various incarnations since November 2001.

  • Fabian Smith

    Brian Micklethwait

    I drew blood. Good. You didn’t enjoy this. You weren’t supposed to. If this was a pointless post what does this make your comment on it?

    You need to get your facts straight, although I realise that this is far too much to ask of a EUphobe.

    Your comment reveals a contempt for the blogosphere, the internet, and for public opinion in general, which is typical of your side’s non-contribution to this debate.

    Admins. Congratulations on the traffic. BBC “Moonshine” News 24 gets 20 – 25 million unique users per week.

    If you’re going to try and parody other people, be prepared to take it too.

  • snide

    Fabian is just another violence based klepto collectivist who is driven to distraction by the idea that there are people who reject his entire view of the world.

  • Fabian Smith

    snide is just another violence based klepto selfish individualist who is driven to distraction by the idea that there are people who reject his entire view of the world.

    If you wanna trade insults it gets pretty boring, don’t you think?

    However I guess you’re much happier dealing in name calling and creating myths, as a few facts may undermine your argument.

  • Alan Massey

    Fabian Smith: {…I guess you’re much happier dealing in name calling and creating myths, as a few facts may undermine your argument.}

    What facts did you present to undermine the original post? I must’ve blinked and missed them.

  • Fabian Smith

    Alan – read the original post again and tell me if there was one sensible point that could be graced with a ‘factual’ response.

    I undermined it by illustrating how pointless and childish it was to post stuff like that. A classic case of ‘Put up a silly post, get a silly response’.

  • Alan Massey

    One sensible point? How about the point that pro-EU commentators complain about the false impressions people have of the EU, but fail to actually make any good arguments to counter those impressions.

    Political satire has a long history, you’re only making yourself look humourless by calling it pointless & childish.

  • Fabian Smith

    Wibble (see above)

  • Annette Croft

    Nice one Brian. “They don’t like it up ’em”

  • Matt W.

    ah, I see Fabian is engaging in the time honored Elementary school insult game of “I know you are, but what am I?…” I’d normally just say GAZE, but he’s a more pompous troll than most, they usually just keep their caps lock on and make random references to Hitler, the Third Reich, and EVVVILLLL Fascists in general. Oh yeah, Fabian, through all your sneer-quoting everyone else you never have exactly said *WHY* you’re whining, if your beloved BBC really is the megalith you say it is, what do you care what the Blogosphere says? I’d go further but I can never seem to get my head around the special joy that various internet dwelling pondscum get from shitting in other peoples conversations.