You’ve had a long, hard day. You want to go home to relax and unwind. You can hardly wait for that sweet moment when you place your key in the lock of your own front door. You make your way back to your car as it begins to rain. Your feet hurt. You’re getting wet. You want your comfy sofa and a hot meal and the TV and your warm bed. You finally reach the place where you parked your car only to find….disaster! It’s been clamped!
You stand there helplessly while the rain pitter-patters on your brow. Your blood begins to boil into toxic fumes of rage and frustration. You are stranded and alone, feeling victimised and vulnerable.
But, just at that moment, from out of the scudding, grey skies there swoops down a heroic figure of salvation to end your torment and set you free. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s Angle-Grinder Man!
Clad in a blue leotard and wielding a saw, a man claiming to be the UK’s first wheel clamp vigilante is offering his services to motorists.
Angle-grinder Man – a self-proclaimed superhero – patrols by night looking for unhappy drivers who have been clamped and then sets their cars free.
He’s fighting for truth, justice and the (now long defunct) British way.
“I may not be able to single-handedly and totally cast off the repressive shackles of a corrupt government – but I can cut off your wheel-clamps for you.”
He says he decided to go “full-time vigilante” in May this year.
“My obsession with wheel-clamping is actually a rebellion against a much deeper malaise,” he said.
“Namely, the arrogant contempt that politicians hold for the people who put them into power, and whom they claim to represent.”
He is certainly heroic in thought. But is he really heroic in deed?
A Kent Police spokeswoman said no complaint about wheel clamps being cut off had been made by either a clamping firm or a member of the public.
That could mean that the police simply don’t want to admit to this man’s successes in case he inspires copycats. On on the other hand it could be a case of the spirit being willing but the flesh rather less so.
Angle-Grinder Man has a website but, as at the time of posting, it appears to be down. If he was whizzing round supersonically trashing wheel-clamps the details on his website would make it a doddle for the police to track him down.
So maybe Angle-Grinder Man is just a harmless glory-seeker and self-publicist. Or maybe he is a sincere, angry but ultimately ineffectual fantasist. Who knows?
But I think I have spotted a trend here. Or leastways, a mini-trend. I wrote a few days ago about the GATSO-killers who claim their legacy from Robin Hood. Now we have a comic-book superhero complete with mask and tights. Is it because the real world of today is so dull, so conformist and so timid that these would-be rebels are forced to delve into the wellspring of myths and legends in order to find their inspiration?
Whatever the explanation, there does seem to be this groping, amorphous need for maverick heroes who will put the world to rights. Maybe, some day soon, a gawky, bookish, weedy British teenager will get hit on the head by a vial of radioactive material and the revolution will begin.