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A draft speech for Mrs May’s approval

After pondering deeply the general trends of the world and the actual conditions obtaining in Our Empire today, We have decided to effect a settlement of the present situation by resorting to an extraordinary measure.

We have ordered Our Government to communicate to the Governments of the European Union and its Member States that Our Empire accepts the provisions of their Political Declaration.

To strive for the common prosperity and happiness of all nations as well as the security and well-being of Our subjects is the solemn obligation which has been handed down by Our Imperial Ancestors and which lies close to Our heart.

Indeed, We declared our intention to leave Europe’s Union out of Our sincere desire to ensure the United Kingdom’s self-preservation and the stabilization of Gibraltar, it being far from Our thought either to infringe upon the sovereignty of other nations or to embark upon territorial aggrandizement.

But now the Brexit row has lasted for nearly four years. Despite the best that has been done by everyone — the gallant fighting of the diplomatic forces, the diligence and assiduity of Our servants of the State, and the devoted service of Our sixty million people — the Brexit situation has developed not necessarily to the United Kingdom’s advantage, while the general trends of the world have all turned against her interest.

Moreover, the enemy has begun to employ a new and most cruel £39,000,000,000* divorce bill, the power of which to do damage is, indeed, incalculable, taking the toll of many innocent businesses. Should we continue to fight, not only would it result in an ultimate collapse and obliteration of the British nation, but also it would lead to the total extinction of human civilization.

Such being the case, how are We to save the millions of Our subjects, or to atone Ourselves before the hallowed spirits of Our Imperial Ancestors? This is the reason why We have ordered the acceptance of the provisions of the Political Declaration of the Powers.

The hardships and sufferings to which Our nation is to be subjected hereafter will be certainly great. We are keenly aware of the inmost feelings of all of you, Our subjects. However, it is according to the dictates of time and fate that We have resolved to pave the way for a grand peace for all the generations to come by enduring the unendurable and suffering what is unsufferable.

* it could be a lot more.

22 comments to A draft speech for Mrs May’s approval

  • mikesixes

    Just leave. As to the “divorce bill”, just tell ’em to fuck off.

  • staghounds

    The Queen, not May.

  • Patrick Crozier

    “…the Brexit situation has developed not necessarily to the United Kingdom’s advantage…”

    To be sure: this is a rip off of Showa’s surrender speech isn’t it?

  • Roué le Jour

    It will do the EU no good at all to demonstrate that there is no peaceful, democratic way to leave the union. Painful if they must, but impossible, no. Doing a “Prague Spring” on the UK will only hasten their demise.

    Their best course of action now is to say negotiation has failed and eject the UK.

  • Gary Wintle

    What Empire? There is no such thing. United Kingdom? Seriously? Really? England and Scotland are quite different, so different, in fact, that only a twit or narcissistic Englishman thinks them alike. Indeed the way English politicians treat Scotland and Ireland stinks of narcissisism from every putrid pore.
    A “United Kingdom” in which the Scots and Irish have never belonged.

    You cannot credibly be anti-EU and pro-UK when the latter is utterly corrupt at every level, arrogantly abuses and ignores the Scots, it makes a nonsense of your whole argument, even more so when one considers the bloodshed the English have inflicted upon the Irish.

  • shlomo maistre

    Staghounds won this thread.

  • Mr Ed


    Well spotted. See the tags, and compare with the translation here, scrolling down to the grey box, if you wish.


    Normally yes, but she probably hasn’t noticed the state of her Kingdom, and is as weak and powerless as Kallinin.

    Gary W,

    I take it you are referring to the same Scotland that recently voted for the Union?

  • Henry Cybulski

    A paraphrase of a remark I read the other day: Britain has sunk from being the world’s foremost power to a colony of Brussels where you can be arrested for a Facebook or Twitter post. That’s quite a pitiful trajectory.

  • The Pedant-General

    It’s perfectly possible to be Scots, anti-EU and pro-UK. I am for one. Indeed, I would submit that to be pro-UK now requires you to be anti-EU.

    The Scots bit is a wrinkle on the top of that. There are pro-UK scots (see above) and anti-UK scots.
    The anti-UK Scots tend, to a large but not exclusive degree, to be pro-EU. Whether or not they are, they are universally deluded. Scotland would be a basket case outside the UK and, no matter how hard they may want it, will never be allowed to either to remain part of or likely even join the EU after leaving the UK. Spain would see to that.

  • Ed Turnbull

    Gary W

    What ‘abuses’ does the UK perpetrate on the Scots? I’m English but I’ve lived in Scotland all my working life (some four decades), and I’ve yet to see any ‘abuses’ perpetrated on the Scots that aren’t inflicted on the entire population of the UK (Section 127 anyone?).

    Are you referring to ‘abuses’ such the Barnett Formula? Or the Scottish Parliament? Or the ‘abuse’ of Scottish MPs at Westminster being able to vote on issues that don’t affect their constituents, wtihout any reciprocal arrangement for English MPs to do likewise?

    Furthermore, how can the UK both ‘abuse’ *and* ‘ignore’ the Scots? That’s illogical, unless you consider ‘ignoring’ to be an ‘abuse’ in itself.

    And, as Mr Ed points out above, Scotland voted in 2014 to *remain* in the UK. I assume from the illogical bile in your comment you’re in favour of independence from the UK (though I’ve yet to hear any remotely convincing argument from a Scottish nationlist why they would seek to escape one ‘oppressor’ only to willingly remain in the embrace of a far more pernicious one: the EU). Well, if you wish to guarantee independence give the English a say on the issue. But remember the old saying about being careful what you wish for…

  • Ah so. It would appear that seppuku is our only honourable course…

  • This is indeed a pastiche of the speech by Hirohito in August 1945. It’s reported that he spoke so elliptically that not all his Japanese hearers realised it was a surrender. Remoaners hope the same.

    In other news, I am told the TRIGs seek to rebrand themselves as ‘Change UK’. The acronym for this may amuse some of our US readers.

    Ah so. It would appear that seppuku is our only honourable course… (Mac the Knife, April 3, 2019 at 12:29 pm)

    In the wise words of General Patton, you don’t win wars by dying for your country, you win wars by making sure the other dumb bastard dies for his country.

  • JohnK

    Gary Wintle:

    When P G Wodehouse wrote that it is never difficult to tell the difference between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine, he meant it as a joke, not a challenge.

    I thought the allusion to Hirohito’s surrender speech in 1945 was pretty obvious, but it seems it was not necessarily apparent to you.

  • Zerren Yeoville

    Perhaps the Caledonian troll with a severe case of Anglophobia can tell us when the people of England have EVER been given a vote on whether or not THEY wish to be in a so-called ‘United’ Kingdom with Scotland, Wales and Ireland?

    I for one would much prefer to see an independent England freed from two burdensome and counterproductive unions; the EU and the UK. More people in England voted to Leave the EU than the entire populations of Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland combined … but that apparently counts for nothing against the desire of the UK ruling class to preserve what our unbeloved Prime Minister never fails to refer to as ‘Our Precious Union.’

  • Gavin Longmuir

    Henry Cybulski paraphrased: “Britain has sunk from being the world’s foremost power to a colony of Brussels where you can be arrested for a Facebook or Twitter post.”

    The vision presented by doughty Brexiteers is that separation from the EU is the path leading to the sunlit uplands of freedom. One can only hope so — although there is clearly also a major road that leads to the status of Argentina. The question is whether the denizens of the Palace of Westminster post-separation will re-invent themselves as defenders of individual liberty, or will be turfed out en mass and replaced with actual defenders of individual liberty, or will carry on doing all the same kinds of things they have conveniently been blaming on Brussels?

    Following all the random knifings in London, some Brits have started a “Surrender Your Knife” movement. Do enough people in the UK really want individual liberty? Maybe the current UK Political Class is more representative than Brexiteers would like to admit. As Shakespeare might have said: Is the problem in ourselves, or is it in Brussels?


  • bobby b

    “As Shakespeare might have said: Is the problem in ourselves, or is it in Brussels?”

    I remember when “we” elected Barrack Obama as President, and then when “we” re-elected the putz.

    Don’t ever make the mistake of thinking that there’s just one monolithic national polity. Everywhere in the world, about 40% of the people see things as we do, about 40% are either evil enough or stupid enough to wear Che t-shirts, and about 20% of the people are too dumb or too lazy to know who’s right and thus need to be won over at every election.

    Sadly, that’s the same 20% who believe what celebrities tell them, who read Twitter for news, and who can’t name the person who is second-in-charge of their own country. But we win when we convince them to join us.

  • Gavin Longmuir

    bobby b — Right! Every polity has internal divisions, and those of us in the US have to be humble about interpreting elections when it is not even necessary to be alive to cast a vote in Chicago.

    Brexit is an interesting case — fairly close to your split: 37% of voters voted for separation, 35% voted for the status quo, 28% did not vote. I have long been interested in citizens who do not vote. Some may indeed be too dumb or lazy, but I have met serious people who refuse to vote (“It only encourages the politicians”), & some who don’t vote out of exasperation because they live in effectively a single party state, e.g. California (“My vote makes no difference”). In the Brexit referendum, it is possible that some reasonable people thought they were being given Hobson’s Choice between being mis-ruled by jackasses in the EU or by jackasses in the Palace of Westminster. Subsequent events in Parliament would not have conflicted with that particular world-view.

    Looking at the absolute number of votes cast in US Presidential elections, the phenomenon of the Contingent Voter becomes plain — people who will never vote for a Democrat, and will not vote for a RINO Romney or McCain, but will vote for a Reagan or a Perot. That may not translate to the UK scene, but we should be cautious about making assumptions about the motivations (or lack of motivation) of non-voters.

  • neonsnake

    Everywhere in the world, about 40% of the people see things as we do,

    bobby b, I believe that you’re being wildly optimistic there, given how far both sides of the left-right divide are from libertarianism.

  • Paul Marks

    The biggest lie (spread by the Daily FAIL and other Corporate State swine) is that Mrs May has been working for the independence of the United Kingdom from the European Union – Mrs May has NEVER supported independence. The aim of Mrs May is a sort of Vichy France independence-in-name-only.

    The tragedy is that every part of the media (every television station and every newspaper) apart from the Daily and Sunday Telegraph have LIED to the British people about Mrs may – pretending that she has been working to end the rule of the European Union, when Mrs May has actually been working (from the start) to KEEP the rule of the European Union.

    It is quite wrong Mr Ed to compare Mrs May to the Emperor of Japan – the Emperor of Japan wanted his country to win, Mrs May wants her country to LOSE.

    A better comparison for Mrs May was suggested to me by Antoine Clarke last night – Mrs May is like the members of the Cambridge spy ring. the various ex Cambridge students (Mrs May is actually an ex Oxford student) who joined the British state but were actually loyal to a foreign power, the Soviet Union.

    Mrs May is the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom – but her actual loyality is to the hostile foreign power that is the European Union. Although the tragic truth is that the terrible harm that Mrs May has done is vastly worse than the harm that “Kim” Philby did.

  • Mr Ed

    It is quite wrong Mr Ed to compare Mrs May to the Emperor of Japan

    This is not a comparison between Mrs May and Hirohito, it is a starting point for comparison of what they say when they feel obliged to say something about the dawning reality of future events.


    bobby b, I believe that you’re being wildly optimistic there

    Absolutely, more like 4% (well in Europe anyway), but in bobby b’s defence, I would guess that around 40% of people reject Leftism from a common-sense perspective, without being in a position to join the dots or appreciate that there is a counter-argument, and may not push against what is shoved their way for lack of alternative concepts.

  • bobby b

    ” . . . I believe that you’re being wildly optimistic there . . . “

    I’m making fairly gross divisions here. In the context of the USA, where an election usually devolves to a binary choice, I mean that 40% of the people will predictably and reliably vote for the candidate on the right side of the spectrum, and 40% will predictably and reliably vote for the candidate on the left side of the spectrum, while the remaining 20% either don’t care, can’t figure it out, or want to be bought with love and/or money by either side.

    And, personally, I count those who withhold their vote out of pique or frustration in the “can’t figure it out” category. We very seldom get a great choice, but it’s rare that one choice isn’t worse than the other.

  • neonsnake

    I think a lot of us do a bit of “hold our nose” when voting, given that we’re not well represented. I *believe* (but only through ignorance) that we’re better represented in the UK than in the US – but am utterly open to being told I’m wrong on that; I don’t pretend to know everything about US politics!

    Just out of curiosity, I wonder what the percentage would look like over on the East? Doesn’t feel like the numbers would be high, from my experience (Australia aside). Japan? I’ve almost zero knowledge of their politics or views.