A few days ago, I was sifting through the intranet noticeboard of the large Australian bank I work for, and I stumbled on an organisation-wide message from our CEO. Anyone who has worked for a large multinational knows the breed – conversational in style, it is usually a somewhat ingenuous effort to create a collegial nexus between upper management and the ungrateful hoardes below. Amongst other rather tedious developments mentioned, the boss noted a recently deceased former customer of the bank who had, “in a rare display of loyalty and reciprocity”, left a substantial portion of his estate to the bank in return for a lifetime of what must have been absolutely brilliant service.
I was, however, disappointed to read that the bank would be donating the bequest to charities in the deceased’s region of abode. This will not do at all – the banks are going all wobbly-kneed and PC on us! What will the shareholders think? I would be tickled pink if our namby-pamby CEO cocked a snook at the “good corporate citizen” brigade and gratefully donated the entirety of the bequest straight to the bank’s bottom line. Better still if he sallied forth proudly stating “that money will be used to refurbish the executive bathroom for the third time this (financial) year.” Steve Edwards suggested he should blow the lot on a nice new tie. Anyone else have any ideas as to how the bequest might be spent? I am looking for the wildest corporate caricatures – the sort that would make Gordon Gekko blush. The funniest wins a degree of transient notoriety.
Have the next Board of Directors meeting, with the entire Executive Staff, at a booze and hooker laden Las Vegas resort, with hot and cold running cabana boys, caviar filled bath tubs and champagne breakfasts, using the new Corporate Jet as a shuttle, with after party in, oh, say Thailand….
Basically the worst excesses of Tyco, Enron, Playboy and Penthouse, all rolled into one, and taken to the next exponent.
Scholarship fund for the employees’ children is my serious idea.
A Woodstock type weekend with big name bands. Only the employees and their families can attend is my even more serious idea.
Piss of the left by donating the lot to Halliburton.
A long time ago, a patron of one particular bar I used to hang out in died. His will left a couple of thousand bucks to the bartenders, and another thousand bucks for a round of drinks…
“hoardes” – is that a deliberate spelling mistake?
Heh.
Seriously though, a perceptive article. Working for a blue-chip firm myself, I identify with what you say.
Can’t believe I was beaten to “donate it to Halliburton.”
We’re a bank, we’ll just stick it in a vault and enjoy its warm glow..
Seems to me the CEO has to be in the running for the most contrary-to-the-wishes-of-the-deceased thing to do with the money. Who would be in a better position to reject his local charitable organisations than a local philanthropist?
The benefactor apparently choose not to give his money to them and was overruled by the CEO.
I think your CEO was playing it safe.
What a great pity he didn’t blow it on a Mach 1 VSTOL bizjet. And if a Mach 1 VSTOL bizjet wasn’t available for purchase, have one designed and manufactured!
I suggest the Bank blow the lot on commissioning a commercial about what a wonderful, heaven like bank it is. Say shots of the staff, on a green hilltop, singing “We Are The World, We Are The Children.” The staff would all be multicultural, and looking towards a blue sky, swaying together with the music. Everyone’s face aglow with the radiance of working for the Bank and happily sacrificing all for the customer. The commercial should end with a fade to black, the Bank’s logo and a voice over from an overly paid actor saying, “Bank X, we’ll be here for your children to do to them, what we’ve done to you.”
I suggest the Bank blow the lot on commissioning a commercial about what a wonderful, heaven like bank it is. Say shots of the staff, on a green hilltop, singing “We Are The World, We Are The Children.” The staff would all be multicultural, and looking towards a blue sky, swaying together with the music. Everyone’s face aglow with the radiance of working for the Bank and happily sacrificing all for the customer. The commercial should end with a fade to black, the Bank’s logo and a voice over from an overly paid actor saying, “Bank X, we’ll be here for your children to do to them, what we’ve done to you.”
A closed investement Fund for bosses and employees with the deceased name.
Btw i think it is depicable what the CEO is doing.
Put a shark tank in the boardroom.
Don’t forget the sharks.
Throw the lot in small denomination notes from the top of their city office block whilst laughing maniacally.
“Made it, Ma! Top of the world!”
Convert it to silver or gold coinage and embed it all in the counters at the teller windows, in the manner of a Las Vegas bar.
Invite everyone out for 30 year single malt scotch and cigars. Light the cigars with $100 (no pound sign on my keyboard) notes. If there is any money left use it to fund a trip to hunt endangered animals in Africa and/or buy everyone in the company their own personal HK .45 handgun. Videotape it and send it to BBC.
Convert the lot into dimes, and issue a bag of each to each manager to disburse to street urchins to demonstrate the banks magnanimity… and attach an automatic disburser on the back of the CEOs limo…