We are developing the social individualist meta-context for the future. From the very serious to the extremely frivolous... lets see what is on the mind of the Samizdata people.

Samizdata, derived from Samizdat /n. - a system of clandestine publication of banned literature in the USSR [Russ.,= self-publishing house]

Warning labels

In the Nanny State, you can never have too many warning labels, so they might as well be scientifically based:

Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour.

Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a ‘Gluing’ Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

12 comments to Warning labels

  • Brian

    This Product Contains Nuclear Material!

    That should scare them off.

  • HJHJ

    Except, of course that 85 million tons of TNT contains plenty of energy stored as mass too – rather more than an ounce of anything else.

  • Nick M

    From the linked site I fond this one amusing:

    Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

    It remided me of being doorstepped by a particular dimwitted utility salesman who insisted that ScottishPower’s electricity was better quality electricity than my existing supplier.

    A terrible thing these fly-by-night utility cowboys who supply sub-standard Watts.

  • When I linked to this post, one of my readers said the story reminded her of 10 Ways to Destroy the Earth.

  • Alan Peakall

    Nanny should also be alerted to the clueless toothpaste advert currently showing on British television inviting us to put liquid calcium in our mouths!

  • veryretired

    Ah, geez, Bob, don’t give ’em any more ideas. We’re hip deep in this horse (bleep) already.

  • Uain

    How about;

    “Neutrons and Protons contained in the nuclei of atoms contained in this product may be identical to those contained in the nuclei of elements known to be of radioactive nature.”

  • CFM

    Can anybody explain how this stuff has escaped the mad labeller’s attention: Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO)

    On second thought, we may not want to tell them . . .


  • Mike Lorrey

    A WARNING (to be placed on organic foods): This food is the product of thousands of years of selective genetic engineering.

  • CFM, that reminds me of a Penn & Teller show I watched the other day, called Bullshit, available on DVD from the US. The particular episode was about environmentalists, and P&T despatched a woman to an environmental rally to gather signatures for a petition to ban Dihydrogen Monoxide, which they described as a potentially dengerouse chemical used in industry and even food processing.

    They successfully demonstrated that most environmentalists will jump on anything capitalist-sounding, and got hundreds of signatures.

  • mike

    “Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Known as ‘Tunneling,’ This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your neighbor’s Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.”

    So that’s why I’m always losing new stuff and finding weird things that I can never remember buying…. and there was me thinking I had a crap memory!

  • Uain

    Amen brother mike-

    Perhaps there is room for a collorary. Now that both my wife and I have passed the magic 50 yrs mark, it seems your Tunneling Advisory gains an exponent I would propose is of value = 2.