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New Element Discovered

This arrived in my inbox via the Crikey email

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named ‘’Governmentium’.

Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each re-organisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as ‘Critical Morass’.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

8 comments to New Element Discovered

  • John K

    Excellent stuff. I’d vote for any party which that as its manifesto.

  • Nick Timms

    Congratulations to the scientists who brought us this piece of research. I believe living creatures can produce Governmentium. My dog is especially good at leaving piles of it in my garden.

  • Clearly the governmentium element is alive and well in Trenton, New Jersey.

  • Joel Català

    Let’s hope those physicists will find how to fissionate that so harmful element into elements following good old (classical) natural law.

  • Joel Català

    Let’s hope those physicists will find how to fissionate those so harmful elements into elements following good old (classical) natural law.

  • J Gerrish

    Unfortunately, the only known way of fissioning Governmentium or Administratium is a collision with an equal mass of unobtainium.

  • Gary Gunnels

    Old joke.

    It used to concern “administratium” and was a joke about university bureacracies.

  • Euan Gray

    Too late for anyone to notice, but:

    Libertarium – A shiny metallic substance of great lustre, sharing many physical properties with marxium.

    Libertarium is not found outside the laboratory and is only stable when constrained in an academic field. It is created by bombarding economictherium with swiveleyeons of dodgylogicum. Spontaneously fissions in contact with reality to form one stable particle of conservativium and five mutually repulsive radicals of loonyfringeum, each with a half-life of an estimated 15 nanoseconds.