We are developing the social individualist meta-context for the future. From the very serious to the extremely frivolous... lets see what is on the mind of the Samizdata people.

Samizdata, derived from Samizdat /n. - a system of clandestine publication of banned literature in the USSR [Russ.,= self-publishing house]

Lies, damned lies, and . . .

Selected research on bread:

More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and osteoporosis.

Newborn babies can choke on bread.

Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

Providing all the scientific support any nanny-stater will need to implement controls.

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24 comments to Lies, damned lies, and . . .

  • Bernie

    The evidence is overwhelming. Big Bread has blood on one hand and a whole lotta dough in the other. It’s time to regulate.

  • Morgan

    USDOT stats claim that roughly 40000 US citizens per year die in auto accidents. We ought to outlaw cars NOW!! If that doesn’t work, let’s go after the engine manufacturers….or the guys who make tires….and anyone else involved with cars.

  • Ted Schuerzinger

    While you’re at it, RC, shouldn’t you be working on banning the dangerous chemical dihydrogen monoxide? Think of the children!

  • veryretired

    I also understand there is a statistically significant chance that if you butter bread and drop it, it will land butter side down, leaving a greasy spot on the floor which is an obvious safety hazard. Better cordon off the area and call in Hazmat.

  • I always thought bread was overrated.

  • Then there’s that other great threat to the human race, Dihydrogen Monoxide.

    (A couple of years ago, a newspaper reporter actually got taken in by the DHMO site and included some of its claims in an article.)

  • Leo

    Actually, Big Bread did have a series of meetings about a year and a half ago to try and figure out what to do about the Atkin’s Diet… Heh.

    I did laugh out loud.

  • The Snark Who Was Really a Boojum

    Given the way today’s satire often ends up being tomorrow’s Leftist talking point I’d be careful about this one if I were you. ^_^;

  • GCooper

    An excellent exposé of this vile and dangerous filth that pollutes our children’s bodies. But it misses the cardinal fact: bread is addictive .

    Started early in life on crusts soaked in milk, then weaned onto the hard stuff (they call them “rusks” on the street) bread addicts become hooked for life, prey to the whims of the grain barons and their “bakers” (as the pushers are colloquially known).

    This tragedy has been hushed-up for too long!

  • This is the most refined and enriched blog entry I have eaten up in a long time.

  • In order to confuse those who are concerned about the effects of Bread on the health of World Citizens, it should be noted that Big Bread has taken to selling its products under a number of confusing names.

    Marketed as Loaf, Bun or just plain bread on streets throughout the Anglo Saxon world, bread or its derivatives have been sold as Bagette in France, Nan in India and even Panini in Italy. Unsuspected consumers are being fooled.

    Progressive Sweden is fighting back however, by offering Bread Addicts a safer replacement known as Rivita. Rivita lacking in taste and texture, is clinically proven not to be habit forming in the way that Bread is.

    A spokesman for EU commision president claims that much is being done to fight the danger. Many of the newer EU Members have an economic approach to the problem. Restaurants in these countries charge a fee for each piece of bread consumed, a marked break with other nations insistence on forcing free bread on Diners. The new EU Bread Directive will harmonise this practice throughout Europe.

    Cynics are pointing out however that Barroso himself is known to be a consumer of Bread. It is always served at Official EU events.

    On this point, Barroso’s spokeman brought attention to the fact that EU functions were replacing Bread with Caviar and Lobster, which were not known to have the same negative impacts as bread, especially in less wealthy social groups.

  • Rudolph

    About six months ago, I found out that nearly 100% of those injured or killed in a road accident were wearing shoes at the time of the accident.

    I have been shoe-free ever since, and I have not been involved in any traffic accident in that whole time.

  • Wouldn’t that be “half score below median” in the second paragraph?

  • Wild Pegasus

    You’ve completely neglected to mention the serious environment calamities bread causes:

    * To support people’s desire for bread, indigenous plants and animals have been run off their ancient lands in order to farm.

    * All of the various steps in making bread cost a tremendous amount of energy, energy that comes largely by burning fossil fuels, contributing to climate change.

    * The widespread popularity of bread has created entire networks of bread distribution, networks mostly reliant on internal combustion for energy. These networks choke the air with pollutants and contribute to climate change.

    The people of the world need to stand against the destruction of our natural world by eating locally-grown, unrefined whole grain.

    – Josh, barking-moonbat-in-training

  • Gordon

    Just think how much more harm you could have done to Big Bread’s reputation by invoking (Shock and Awe!) the Precautionary Principle!

  • Verity

    ” …which were not known to have the same negative impacts as bread, especially in less wealthy social groups .”

    EU-Serf – When you say “less wealthy social groups”, that implies that it is their fault for being less wealthy. As we know, that is not the case! They are “ethnic minorities and low earners” (employed by wealthy white racists).

  • Jacob

    Take it easy, guys. What will happen to mankind if you recklessly destroy Big Bread ? What will people eat ? Cakes ?

  • Denise W

    Eating bread = lower test scores? Tell that to all the people who ate bread growing up and ended up being among the top of their graduating class.

  • ….Tell that to all the people who ate bread growing up and ended up being among the top of their graduating class…….

    But these were people who came from privileged backgrounds, which illustrates how bread reinforces the class system.

  • Yes, Jacob – let them eat cake.

  • Verity

    That was Jacob’s little epigram, RC.

    In any event, Marie-Antoinette said, “Let them eat brioches!” Which meakes more sense.

  • JSAllison

    First, I reject use of the Precautionary Principle on the grounds that it has yet to be proven that it can be applied safely, at all times, in all causes. Until such time as the safety of this Principle can be established it must be treated as being too dangerous to be applied.

    Second, it occurs to me that should you take a buttered slice of toast and permanently fasten it so that the buttered side is in contact with the soles of a cat’s paws would you not have a perpetually floating feline?

  • tinman

    Warg! I will attempt to compose, but I am afraid I have a nasty addiction to push-button formatting.

    Bread

    and

    >a href=”http://www.vegsource.com/articles2/barnard_food_seduction.htm”>milk.

  • Discobridge

    Little known, but relevant; 78.6% of all statistics are made up on the spot.