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Samizdata, derived from Samizdat /n. - a system of clandestine publication of banned literature in the USSR [Russ.,= self-publishing house]

Never heard of them!

They have tried false beards, make-up, wigs, sunglasses, plastic surgery. None of it has worked.

So time for something really radical:

Senior members of Michael Howard’s frontbench team believe the Conservative Party will have to consider changing its name as part of a fundamental “rebranding” if it fails to make a big surge at the next general election.

Allow me to assist. How about ‘Not The Conservative Party’?

29 comments to Never heard of them!

  • The idea of the Conservative Party changing its name sounds like an act of desperation and I don’t think it’s a bright idea for Conservative frontbenchers to come out with this sort of suggestion unless they actually want to promote the notion of a weak opposition.

    The Conservatives should stick with their current name but more of them need to actually start behaving like Conservatives. There are far too many centre-lefties inside the party promoting Labour-lite policies on taxation, civil liberties and personal responsibility.

  • Verity

    How about the Suicide Because We Didn’t Listen to Our Natural Constituents Party?

    Or the We Are Scared Shitless of The Thought-Fascist Socialist Party?

    Or We Are Scared Shitless by The Most Disgraceful Prime Minister Britain Has Ever Endured – but He Scares Us Anyway Party?

    How about the We Have Lost Faith in Freedom of Speech And Thought And Border Control Party?

    Or HM Disgraceful Pretend Opposition?

  • ernest young

    How about the Pythonesque: ‘The Utterly Useless Party’…

    Or: ‘Lunatics to run the Asylum Party’… – yes the pun was intended..

  • Ted Schuerzinger


    You really need to stop holding back. Tell us what you really think about Tony Blair. 😉

  • Boris A.Kupershmidt

    “Not a Conservative Party”
    is the most appropriate name.
    They don’t stand for anything except getting into
    power, and are no longer conservative.

    Good job, David.

  • zmollusc

    ‘The party formally knowns as Conservative’?

  • zmollusc


    ‘…. formerly…….’

  • The Notting Hill Party?

  • Albion

    I always just called them The Stupid Party

  • “Anything But (Conservative)”

    “At least we are not UKIP”

    “Soft and Fluffy Party”

  • Guy Herbert

    There does seem to be little point in conyinuing to be the Conservative Party, when New Labour has very nearly succeeded in destroying almost everything it might have wanted to conserve. I’m lobbying for “Restoration”, which might have the additional merit of pissing-off the Beeb.

  • The F–k Off And Leave Everyone Alone Party would be nice (but they’d have to live up to the name).

  • Simon Jester

    The tóraidhe party?

  • Julian Taylor

    Dare I suggest “The New Conservatives”? After all, it worked for Tony Blair didn’t it – oh wait, that was someone else’s idea that he stole as per usual.

  • Martin

    How about The Republican Party? Nothing like overtaking Labour on the left to restore your morale, so do it on something safe like the constitution.

  • Jacob

    “The Republican Party” ??
    Isn’t Britain a monarchy, not a republic ?


  • James C

    I think they need to go for something completely radical, original, next-generation…. any new name is otherwise in danger of making them sound like a political party in one of the former Soviet Republics or something ….

    Either a pseudo-Latin/ made-up word along the lines of Diageo or Accenture or something more ambient/ modern like the mobile networks e.g. Three, Orange, 02 or a set of initials that make a catchy word e.g. FARC…

  • ernest young

    James C,

    Trouble with that idea the name tells you nothing about the entity.

    Like most of the corporations that have adopted those ‘pseudo’ names, while striving to be modern, they give the impression of being tacky, and lightweight, which they usually are….

    Mind you, that description may fit quite well in this case…

  • James C

    Fair point Ernest but does “Republican” “Democrat” or “Land and Freedom Party” tell you very much either?

    What I know about branding could be written on the back of a (albeit fairly large) postage stamp but the likes of Orange, Virgin or Nike are light years ahead of the political parties in terms of projecting a consistent set of values …

  • Susan

    I like FKAT — Formerly Known As Tories. Could be pronounced “Fuck-It” by the linguistically sloppy (i.e. Americans).

  • Verity

    Ted Schuerzinger, you are right. I should stop bottling it up like that.

    I’m going with Guy Herbert’s suggestion: the Restoration Party. It has a nice, historic ring to it, it sounds reassuring and will be baffle Tony Blair as he doesn’t know any history. Yes, that is a very apt suggestion.

  • Harry Powell

    Like James I think the conservatives need rebranding that’s in keeping with modern consumerism. So how about “I can’t believe it’s not the Tory Party”: all the flavour of the Tories but none of that fattening low-taxation or belief in personal autonomy.

  • Monsyne Dragon

    How about the Faux Conservatives of the United Kingdom:
    FCUK ?

    It captures the appropriate tone, methinks

  • Mashiki

    Rebranding. I love it, ofcourse the conservative party here has done it about 3 times.

    Reform Party -> Canadian Alliance* -> “Conservative Party of Canada”**

    *The reinvention convention to shake the ‘western-Canada image’ of the party.
    **Merger with Progressive Conservatives(PC)

    The first time, it was a horrible failure anyway. All it did was get rid of a good leader..gain them a few seats and left the two right-wing parties here still splitting the votes where the Liberals were able to gain a stronger foot hold on the Canadian mentality. Post merger, much better..unfortunatly…by that time the Liberals had already bred the anti-Americanism so deeply into people here that the ‘secret agenda’ and ‘they’ll turn Canada into the US’ made people flee in terror from the CPC.

    Anyway, to the topic at hand…I like the Faux Conservative Party myself. FCP has a easy ring to it…just let it roll off your tounge…

  • Julian Taylor

    FCUK has already been tried by Conservative Future UK. Not surprisingly they got sued by French Connection UK and, as is normal for Tories in this day and age, lost the case. The judge did make the point that using little variants of the profane, to sell your product, was plummeting to new depths of desperation by both the Conservatives and by French Connection, athough it is worth bearing in mind that the term ‘Tory’ is believed to stem from an insult (some obscure Gaelic word for an outlaw) from around 1679.

    Knowing, as we do, that the Conservatives can’t actually manage to decide what their policies or political leanings are before trying to find a new title for their party… how about the Churchill Party as a name? Everyone knows what Churchill stood for – bolshie union officials, Tony Blair types and continental Europeans especially.

  • Andy

    How about … the Unionist Party.
    After all, they did it before (very late 19th Century).

  • Dan Simon

    I am a Communist!!!!