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Tesco moisturised and elasticated No Fuss 2 in 1 anti-dandruff shampoo and conditioner

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it’s this or nothing. Seriously, there’s been nothing here for nearly twenty four hours, so I’m going to write about Tesco moisturised and elasticated No Fuss 2 in 1 anti-dandruff shampoo and conditioner, because it’s a subject I feel strongly about. (Sorry, I can find a link to the Tesco enterprise as a whole, but no direct link to any information about this particular product.)

For the last few decades I’ve always assumed that shampoo, by its nature, is something that can’t be entirely convenient. Does the lid hold the shampoo in tightly? If so, it will be a bother opening it, by unscrewing it or by otherwise gouging it open, and that means you’ll tend to keep it open, and that means that it loses its moisture and gets stuck at the bottom of the container, and you have to hold it upside down for about a minute, waiting for it to appear, or perhaps dilute it, which risks diluting it too much and turning it into an uncontrollable liquid rather than a semi-controllable sludge (no disrespect intended). Then, once it has appeared, I assumed it to be a law of nature that not all of it would end up in my hair, but that some of it would assemble itself just outside the hole in the container from which it had emerged, where it would dry out and perhaps block the hole. Which is why I probably should keep the container shut, by screwing it shut again, or by forcing the lid back on. (Remember, a lid that is easy to force short is a lid that can easily fall open again, and that defeats the purpose of the thing.) But that’s so much bother that I can seldom be bothered.

Actually, the procedure I eventually got around to using was to put the lid back on, but to keep the container upside down so that I didn’t have to wait for it to journey laboriously to the exit every time.

I hope this is making sense.

So, let’s take those two adjectives that I apply (for they do not appear on the container) to the latest Tesco shampoo (and conditioner) one at a time. Moisturised, and elasticated. Moisturised. This means that the shampoo (and conditioner) remains soggy, and does not dry out. How did they do this? I don’t know. I merely note that they have done it. I no longer, with Tesco 2 in 1 shampoo (and conditioner), have to hold the shampoo (and conditioner) upside down for a minute in order to get shampoo (and conditioner) out of the container, or remember to keep it shut but upside down. This is a definite advance.

Elasticated. This means that the shampoo (and conditioner) no longer hangs about outside the container or in the exit of the container. It gets sucked back in again automatically, as a consequence of its own inner structural strength, like a semi-liquid three dimensional rubber band. How did they do this? I don’t know. I merely note that they have done it. The container stays open and upright for weeks at a time, yet remains looking as if it has only just been opened.

“No fuss” indeed. Remarkable. Truly remarkable.

Note that this is not only a technical achievement. Equally impressive is that the soapologists set themselves, or had set for them, the right task to perform in the first place. The right answers were preceded by the right questions being identified as the ones to answer. Left to their own merely technical devices the soapologists might not have arrived at moisturisation and elastication as the targets to aim at for shampoo (or for conditioner).

What with gulf wars and peace processes and Robert Mugabe and the European Union, it is easy to forget that underneath and beyond all that, civilisation keeps quietly advancing. There are those who say that increases in mere comfort and convenience mean nothing, but I disagree. For me an item like Tesco No Fuss 2 in 1 shampoo (and conditioner) signifies something both good and honest and splendid in and of itself, but it also points the way to larger potential triumphs by the forces of civilisation in the future.

Suppose “peace processes” were conducted as logically and diligently as was the search for moisturisation and elastication with regard to Tesco No Fuss 2 in 1 shampoo (and conditioner). Might we not now have rather more peace to go round? If the governing of Zimbabwe was done as well as the managing of Tesco, wouldn’t that be a fine thing?

Yes it would. But the secret is not merely to put Tesco executives, fresh from their shampoo (and conditioner) triumph, in charge of peace processes or of Zimbabwe. That wouldn’t work. We know this from experience. What needs somehow to be contrived is a world in which the rules followed in the search for shampoo (and conditioner) moisturisation and elastication are somehow made to apply also to the search for peace, and for good Zimbabwean government. We somehow need a free market in peace, and in Zimbabwean government.

Easier said than done. But as the story of Tesco No Fuss 2 in 1 shampoo (and conditioner) tells us, if you can frame the question right, that’s a huge step towards getting the right answer.

I have another question which is probably more easily answered. What is conditioner? It sounds good, but what is? And why the need to combine it with shampoo?

18 comments to Tesco moisturised and elasticated No Fuss 2 in 1 anti-dandruff shampoo and conditioner

  • Conditioner adds the good moisture back in to your hair that the shampoo washed away with the dirt and bad oil. Depending on your hair type, you may not need conditioner, but it generally makes your tresses softer, easier to comb and more elastic (so as not to be easily breakable). In my experience, 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner combos do a fairly bad job of actually conditioning hair. Most men, as they tend to have short hair, can get away without using conditioner, but if you do use it, you should avoid applying it to the roots, as it’ll only mess with your scalp. Besides, the old ends need all the moisture they can get.

    Sadly, I could go on.

  • I’m sorry Brian but that is pathetic. For pity’s sake, can someone please drag Brian off to the pub and get him smashed on lager coz he needs to get out more.

  • Oh, go easy on him. I reckon he was just channeling Andy Rooney as a bit of a parody….Right, Brian?

  • G Cooper

    And thus a Bad News Day becomes a Bad Hair day.

  • Brian Micklethwait

    I’m kind of flattered by this “ought to get out more” bullshit. It is bullshit. Why should people get out more? It’s a slogan to sell Ford cars to British people with more money than decorum, and I say to hell with it. Last weekend I was in the south of France. Where were all you troglodytes?

    But besides that, the implication is that I spent the whole of Sunday writing this “essay” (follow the TrackBack) when in fact all that happened was I looked at Samizdata at 11.15pm, and I thought: someone of us had better put something soon or there’ll be nothing to show for Sunday at all. So I blathered away about this thing that had occurred to me, and had it up by 11.59 and 48 seconds, I think it was.

    So there.

  • Russell

    Just a brief note in support of Brian – to his detractors I say “What is wrong with taking time to note that a piece of engineering has been done well?”

    It is a wonder that, in spite of the lefty hatred of effectiveness, the world manages to produce so many people who can look at the world – find the right question and then, miracle of miracles, find the right answer.

    In Australia they now sell honey in a container that sits in the cupboard lid-side down. The honey flows naturally when you want it to and stops without drips or mess when you want it to. Simple, usable and perfect – good engineering forever.

  • I don’t think Brian has any detractors; seems to me that Scott was just joking. Deep breaths…

  • Pete

    Here in the states we use shampoo composed of rum, gunpowder, blood….No wait that’s Grog. Never mind.

  • Pete

    Here in the states we use shampoo composed of rum, gunpowder, blood….No wait that’s Grog. Never mind.

  • Guy Herbert

    I’m taking the whole thing as satire.

    Imagine if the Leader of the House were to announce that the government didn’t see the need for any new legislation or statutory instruments just now and so Parliament was to take the rest of the year off.

  • Surely you Americans are very protective of your rights to use your omnipresent firearms in the shampooing process somewhere. In Britain, despite the presence of Tesco moisturised and elasticated No Fuss 2 in 1 anti-dandruff shampoo and conditioner, this right has been taken away from us, and we are much the worse for it. It’s the fault of the Oxford educated Guardian recruited refugees from reality who run the BBC, and the repressive (French) policies of the European Union, obviously.

  • Liberty Belle

    The French don’t wash their hair very often so have need of industrial strength shampoo when they do so. If everyone in France were forced to walk through the automatic car wash once a week, that would be a good thing. They’d have to remember not to push the Hot Wax button, though.

  • Jerry Hall only washes her hair once a fortnight. Bloody Texans.

  • Can I push the hot wax button when it’s Jacques Chirac’s turn? Please.

  • Russell, what’s the brand name of that type of Australian Wonder Honey you mentioned? Me want.

  • Russell


    The brand is “Capilano” but they sell “good” bottles and “bad” bottles of the same types of honey (apparently some consumers distrust the “good” bottle and insist on the “bad” bottles still being available).

  • its jake

    The forces that made Tesco to innovate were competetive forces. Simple enough.

    The forces that made the U.S. to tear down trade barriers on its continent? These were competetive forces, operating on several levels.

    I propose that innovation is the positive response of human entities to competetive forces.

    If the question is how to apply the competitive forces to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to innovate a peace, the answer must surely be that Palestinians must be exposed to competition. Since 1967, the Palestinians’ entire economy has been administered from foreign aid. The Palestinians have no inducement to peace since their provision is sustained regardless of their actions.

    But cut off the majority of the foreign aid, and force the Palestinians to provide for themselves in a competetive global market, then the Palestinians will be exposed to competetive forces and find a war with an economically and militarily powerful neighbor unsustainable, especially when such war is fought in their own territory and hindering the production needed to provide for oneself.

    Israel could cut off foreign assistance by itself, but Israel does not see foreign assistance as the problem. The untried way to get peace in the ME is to force the Palestinians to compete. Competive forces make unreasonable behavior ultimately unsustainable.

  • Quench the Thirst of Frizzy Hair
    By Diana Dudas

    It seems like such an enigma. Of the hundred or so emails I receive daily, the same question pops up endlessly. “Why is my hair so, FRIZZY and dry, coarse or brittle?” I intend to try and solve this mystery. And my first clue has to do with moisture deficiency!
    Oil and Water…
    90% of us suffer with dry brittle or frizzy hair because our hair is deficient of (moisture) WATER! There is a certain preconceived notion that has been passed on from generation to generation. That is the idea that our hair is dry, because we are lacking in natural oils. We are told that if we nurture our hair by brushing vigorously 100 times a day, or if we nurture our hair with hot oil treatments and cholesterols. If we do all of these things, then we are sure to be blessed with beautiful, shiny and healthy locks. This might be the case, if you have young virgin (hair that is not chemically treated) hair. But this is certainly not the case, once you have impaled your tresses, with harsh chemicals such as bleaches and alkaline permanents. Or if you have naturally curly hair,
    Naturally Curly Hair…
    Those of you who have curly hair, have these curls, because of a curvature of the hair follicles .A normal hair follicle under a microscope would be seen as perfectly straight. However yours would have a definite bend in it. This causes the hair to curl. Where the hair curves it compels the cuticle (the outer layer of the hair) to lift.
    The cuticle…
    Under a microscope, A cuticle is similar in appearance to shingles on a roof. When the hair is in good condition, and is straight and has good porosity the tiles or cuticle layers are tight together and in perfect in shape, giving the hair a smooth appearance. This makes light reflect off the hair enhancing shine! When hair is in bad conditioner, is curly or has poor porosity, the cuticle layers are lifted and sometimes damaged and broken. This makes the hair feel coarse and brittle. It also causes the hair to absorb light, giving the appearance of dull lifeless hair.
    To sum up this scenario. Because curly haired cuticle layer is permanently lifted, it feels, coarse, and brittle and has no brilliance. Hence the dull, lifeless look. It also means that our hair has poor porosity.
    Is the ability for hair to be able to absorb and retain moisture. The best way for me to explain this is to would be for you to imagine a sponge. First of all imagine a brand new sponge. It will have tiny holes in it, and when you immerse it in water, it will soak up a large quantity, and be able to hold that liquid for a long period of time. This is because it has good porosity. Now imagine an old sponge. Its holes have become damaged and distorted. It might even be torn in some areas. When you immerse this sponge in the same amount of liquid, it will absorb far less and will certainly not be able to retain the moisture so readily.
    It is the same with hair. Hair that has poor porosity will not be able to absorb or retain moisture as well as hair that has good porosity. making hair permanently dry.
    Hot oil treatments…
    Traditions have taught many of us that lavishly applying oil to our hair will give us the soft, shiny hair that we all desire. However more often than not, the opposite takes place. Most oils if they are not essential oils do not have the ability to penetrate into the hair shaft. Nor do heavy cholesterols. What they will do, is to lay on top of the cuticle, and coat the cuticle. This may give the hair some Brilliance. However, it will also coat the hair. And causes product build up.
    Product build up…
    Once the hair is coated, your problems will commence. First of all, the moisture that our hair so desperately needs will not be able to permeate through the wall of product build. The moisture is then not able to find it’s way underneath the cuticle layer. The hair cannot then be conditioned. Also the oils will not diffuse, but sit on top of the cuticle layer. If you use any kind of hot styling tools such as blow dryers or hot irons, what will happen to your hair, is exactly what happens when you put an egg into a hot pan. It will fry!
    If you live in a sunny climate, the oil will do the same thing. The sun will heat the oil and fry your hair. You must have heard the term, my hair feels fried.
    Optimum condition…
    For hair to be in tiptop conditioner is has to have a moisture (water) content of at least 8%, and the right balance of protein and natural oil. Most of us produce enough natural oil (sebum), to keep our hair healthy, but lack the moisture. After having a chemical service your moisture level will drop as low as 2%, causing, drying of the hair, followed by split ends. The same will happen with constant use of blow-dryers and hot styling tools, such as curling or flat irons. If the moisture level is not restored to it’s optimum 8%; by the use of good moisturizing products your hair will ultimately become brittle and possibly break.
    What to do…
    You need to give your hair lots of TLC, with shampoos that are designed to restore your hair’s moisture level to its optimum 8%. Along with intense conditioners that will help to repair damaged cuticles, improve porosity, elasticity and general health and appearance of your hair. Avoid product build by using products that contain natural ingredients. Also avoid hot oil treatments, heavy cholesterol type conditioners, petroleum-based and silicone-based products. Also hairsprays, mousses and gels that have a high alcohol or butane content.
    Those of you with naturally curly, wavy or frizzy hair, those of you who use hot styling tools or who chemically treat your hair, will need to give your hair extra nurturing by supplying it with the necessary nutrition and moisture that it needs. Sun worshippers need to make sure that your hair care products have sunscreen properties to protect your hair from the damaging affects of the UV rays.
    Our hair needs MOISTURE, MOISTURE, and MOISTURE! Who needs to add moisture more than most? People with naturally curly hair, chemically treated, hot styling tool users or people who live in hot sunny and arid climates.

    Please feel free to email me with any hair care questions that you may have at DUDASDIANA@AOL.COM
    Copyright ã2002

    Author is an expert with more than 28 years experience in the beauty industry. She has answered over 2000 questions for allexperts.com and has had her work published in many well-respected beauty magazines both online and off.