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‘Tis the season to be jolly

A frosty reception awaits Santa Claus in Britain this year. It seems that the much-loved benefactor of children everywhere is, in fact, suspected of being guilty of a number of illegal practices.

Greenpeace UK has accused Santa of ‘environmental terrorism’ by encouraging crass global consumerism without any effort to dispose of packaging and minimise waste. They have also attacked Santa for his record of pollution output and have demanded that he take steps to lower the carbon footprint of his activities. The complaint has prompted officials at the Department of the Environment to investigate Santa for possible breaches of the EU Waste Electric and Electronic Equipment Directive, which makes the producers of goods responsible for their environmentally sound disposal.

Further trouble can be expected from the Information Commissioner who has pointed out that Santa may be in breach of the Data Protection Act by keeping records of all the country’s children. In particular, his lists of who has been naughty and who has been nice constitutes a behavioural database which cannot be kept without the unambiguous, specific and informed consent of the subject.

The Equality Commission has also weighed in with concerns about Santa’s employment practices. His policy of only working with elves is clearly discriminatory and leaves him open to prosecutions by pixies, faeries and goblins who are not being considered for employment due to their race.

The Department of Work and Pensions is also investigating the work practices of Santa on the basis that, over the Christmas period, he demands that his elvish workforce work around the clock in order to meet the seasonal demand. This is a clear and unequivocal flouting of the EU Working Time Directive which limits the working week to 48 hours and could give rise to a further prosecution.

Santa’s time-honoured habit of stopping for a drink of brandy in every household (and there are 25 million in the UK) will also bring trouble. According the Civil Aviation Authority, the alcohol limit for any pilot is 20 milligrams per 100 millilitres of blood. Police forces nationwide have been put on alert for an overweight, elderly, bearded man at the controls of a nine-reindeer sleigh and, if spotted, to apprehend him immediately.

Santa was not available for comment but a spokeself has said that Santa is seriously considering whether or not to fly over British airspace this year.

16 comments to ‘Tis the season to be jolly

  • Well, just as long as Santa doesn’t store the data on CD…

  • Johnathan Pearce

    Mention of pixies and elves raises the question of what ought to be the opening part of the 2012 London Olympic Games: a session of dwarf-tossing, reviving the old Medieval practice of hurling our smaller citizens from one end of a sportsfield to another. I can think of a number of Labour MPs that would be excellent candidates……

  • He should convert to Islam, and then all will be forgiven.

  • I’ve been playing Santa on the back of a charity float all week – Does this mean I’m guilty of all of the above + Identity Theft too?

    I have also paid myself nothing, failed to record my employment hours, eschewed rest breaks, turned down a job share request from a lady, imbibed the odd glass of brandy while on the job, shouted out “Ho Ho Ho” – thus increasing my CO2 outflow, and had children sitting on my knee.

    Lumme. I think I’m going to need a lawyer.

  • Nick M

    If Santa reverted to Islam… Oh God, can you imagine! Glass of sherry? Yeah, right. Carrot for Abdul the Green-nosed Reindeer? Maybe. I’ll stick with the jolly bearded drunk who gives presents to kids rather than the irate bearded tee-totaller who comes down the chimney screaming “Convert or die!!!”

  • Sunfish

    Maybe he’ll just give Eid al-Adha gifts to all of the good little kids. (Do people give presents for Eid al-Adha? When the twelth imam comes, will he bring toy trains?Somehow, we never got around to covering that in World Cultures class.)

    Hmm…a drunk guy who goes running around outside in the dead of winter in the middle of the night. I think I like this guy. And even if I do find him loaded, I don’t think a sleigh and a bunch of reindeer counts as a motor vehicle. (Although he’d bloody well better have an exotic wildlife import permit for those reindeer. We have to protect our elk, donchaknow.)

    And now I have this compelling urge to see if Youtube has any of the “Hanukah Harry” SNL skits…

  • RAB

    Santa is a goddam commie prevert!
    Hell it stands to reason. There’s the Red suit for starters!
    And the fact that he’s GIVING away toys to children.
    Catch ’em young and make them believe money grows on trees.
    Perfect indoctrination for the all encompassing welfare state.

  • Sam Duncan

    Come on, RAB, were you never forced to write endless thank-you letters after Christmas? Not to mention being excruciatingly good for three weeks beforehand. Kids have to work for their presents. (Or should do, anyway. It’s notable that it’s the welfare classes who go completely insane at this time of year, spending money they don’t have on their precious kiddies, for whom nothing is too much.)

    Santa’s time-honoured habit of stopping for a drink of brandy in every household (and there are 25 million in the UK) will also bring trouble. According the Civil Aviation Authority, the alcohol limit for any pilot is 20 milligrams per 100 millilitres of blood

    Sounds like binge drinking to me, too. And he always looks dangerously obese, as well. It’s not looking good for old Saint Nick at all really, is it?

  • Paul Marks


    According to the President of Iran, and the Council of Guardians and the Supreme Leader, when the 12th Imam comes (very soon they say) he will bring world conquest.

    What present could be more than this world and the next?

    Nick M.

    “Modern Parents” – I believe “Viz” was the invention of someone who was born and bred in the North East.

    Inspite of all the propaganda of the media the education “system” something deep down in a lot of your folk knows that socialism (and leftism in general) is pants.

  • Sunfish

    Paul Marks:

    What present could be more than this world and the next?

    A really good pair of socks. When you spend a lot of time on your feet outside, at this time of year, I don’t know about you but I would trade most of Europe for three pairs of Smartwools.

    You were in security. I imagine you know exactly what I mean.

  • Nick M

    Ah, a keen student of Dr Strangelove. I always use prevert myself. Now remember there will be no fighting in the war room!

    Yep, my home stamping ground created railways, built a third of the world’s ships and now contents itself with utterly filth. I read Viz back in the days when it was stapled together in a basement. Surely this can’t be legal I thought? An early lesson in freedom of speech. I might be a bit thick but I don’t think I referenced Viz. In case you’re wondering Lord Harpole is real and runs a curry house in the Bigg Market. I met him once. He gave my wife a rose. He really is a lord, he bought the title for a couple of big ones.

    Socks, Sunfish, socks! Check out this and be sure to scroll down to the bit on boots. I’m not a huge Pratchett fan (my wife is) but I do like his stuff and I was greatly saddened to hear he’s got Alzheimer’s.

  • Nick M

    I should have addressed that to Paul and not to Sunfish. Oops!

  • Nick M

    I once temped for the Rural Payments Agency which was utterly, utterly awful. It was on the site of the former Armstrong works. Even if I were a pacifist I would have thought making guns for battleships was a better use of my time. Newcastle is… Well, it’s odd. There is a strong (dare I say it, Viking?) contrarian streak in Geordies. They are well aware of their spectacular engineering heritage and they are also aware that from Stephenson to Charles Parsons these folk did it off their own bat. But it is of course a Labour stronghold (or was the L-Ds now run the council*). It’s traditional leftism though and not the capuccino socialism of Blair and Mandy. It’s leftism that wants to make things. It’s wrong and it’s misguided but at least it’s goals are correct. It’s only the method that lets it down.

    Newcastle (it surprises many) is a very attractive city. Betjeman described Grey St as the most impressive facade in Europe. What makes it attractive is the C18 architecture and the Victorian additions. These were built by free people. What disfigures it is the appalling Eldon Square shopping centre built by Poulson and T Dan Smith via back-handers, graft and general leftie scumbaggery. The Victorian arcades it replaced are much missed. One remains as a tantalising taste of what once was. I am not old enough to remember what it was like but I know that no Newcastle City Council will ever repeat that mistake.

    *Labour got kicked out because they were complacent. They ballsed-up the “City of Culture” bid gifting it to Liverpool (yeah, right) and the Novacastrians looked at all the stuff the (surprisingly effective) Lib Dems were doing over the river in Gateshead.

  • guy herbert

    Of course what’s illegal for Santa may be compulsory for a large swathe of British education and Social Services. The Children Act 2004, s12 (Information databases), sub-section (11):

    Regulations under subsection (5) may also provide that anything which may be done under regulations under subsection (6)(c) to (e) or (9) may be done notwithstanding any rule of common law which prohibits or restricts the disclosure of information.

    The requisite regulations were issued this year.