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Fact

You really couldn’t invent this if you tried. Or at least I couldn’t. It is real ad, from the Guardian Online:

Smokefree Coordinator

Organisation: ENFORCEMENT JOBS
Salary: £26- £28 p/h
Date posted: 31 May 2007
Closing date: 30 Jun 2007

A formidable position has a risen for a Smokefree Coordinator.

The role will involve the implementation of the smoke free action plan. This will involve report writing and presentation, training, giving advice and information to stakeholders of council primary care trust (PCT), and the business community. Preference will be given to candidates who have previous projects experience.

The ideal candidate will have excellent communicative and interpersonal skills and be confident in delivering a project plan.

We require candidates who have been a Environmental Health Officer or other Health Practioner. Otherwise a professional with a history of working within a council. A good understanding of the enforcement issues around Environmental and Consumer Protection Law. Must have knowledge of current developments around smoke free legislation.

The contract is for a 6 month period, due to the level of experience required for this is paying between £26-£28 p/h.

Enforcement Jobs is a member of the Red Snapper Recruitment Group and acts as both an Employment Agency and Employer .The Red Snapper Recruitment Group is an equal opportunities employer

The government scheme to ban smoking in public places in Britain is currently reported as about £100 million over budget, at somewhere in the region of £1.6 billion. But I am not sure that counts local government expenditure, which this is.

24 comments to Fact

  • Midwesterner

    This is the most bald faced enticement of power trippers that I have seen.

    “ENFORCEMENT JOBS … A formidable position … has a risen … implementation … action plan … will involve … giving advice and information to stakeholders … and the business community. … excellent communicative and interpersonal skills (Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.) … confident in delivering a project plan. … A good understanding of the enforcement issues …”

    They are looking for some muscle to put the heat on any who don’t cave in quickly enough. They specifically want intimidators.

  • Johnathan Pearce

    Jesus

  • RAB

    There is a simple solution.
    We Samizdataists should apply for these jobs.
    Overwhelm them in bogus, or even real CVs.
    Late them wade through them to their hearts content.
    If , by mistake , some of us are actually offered jobs-
    Well take them and then, As John Lennon said
    Put a Spaniard in the Works!!!
    That’s what I call win win!

  • That is one of the WORST bits of bastardised English, poor punctuation and grammar I have seen for some time…and note this is posted by Piranha…no I mean Red Snapper agency who is the Employer as well!

    I have decided to rewrite this job ad (and also fisk it here(Link))

    Smokefree Apparatchik

    Organisation: ENFORCEMENT YOBS
    Salary: £26- £28 p/h
    Date posted: 31 May 2007
    Closing date: 30 Jun 2007

    A farcical position has a risen for a Smokefree Apparatchik.

    The role will involve the implementation of the Denial of Smoking Action Plan. This will involve intelligence gathering and dissemination of propaganda, indoctrination, patronising and misleading fellow apparatchiks of Councils and Primary Care Trusts (PCTs) and especially the poor hapless non-voting taxpayers of the Business Community. Preference will be given to candidates who have previous form.

    The ideal candidate will have excellent communication and interpersonal skills and be competent at delivering a sound and achieveable project plan.

    We require candidates who have been an Environmental Health Officer or other Health Practioner. Alternatively, we may consider a professional with a history of working within a Council but we don’t care what sort as long as you are brainwashed and have had your moral compass demagnetised. A good understanding of the box-ticking issues around Environmental and Consumer Protection Law will be a delight to us. Must have knowledge of current developments around Denial of Smoking oppression.

    The contract is for a 6 month period, but be yea not afraid, it will most certainly run and run. Due to the level of intollerance required for this vinctive and utterly non-productive role, the taxpayer is being forced to pay you between £26-£28 p/h, while WE will get a hefty cut of the spoils.

    Enforcement Yobs acts as both an Employment Agency and Employer and we cannot see any wrong in that whatsoever.

  • Will the successful applicant be required to bring their own water pistol with laser sighting, or will one be supplied?

    For such a straightforward job, it must be said that the salary could be worse…

    (fx: extracts tongue from cheek)

  • Julian Taylor

    Of course anyone applying for the position will have to be suitably warned that they face the potential of contracting cancer from secondary smoke inhalation, heart disease and various other smoke-related illnesses. Given that the job is an hourly paid one then I presume that Red Snapper/ Enforcement Jobs will also be subject to any liability for injury sustained by the successful applicant, as the ‘contractor’?

    Incidentally it now transpires that if a carer or health visitor has to visit your home as a part of their job then your home effectively becomes a place of employment and you are banned from smoking in it; likewise if you run a business from your home.

    Wherever Dr Chris Tame is now, and I hope it’s somewhere with great big Cuban cigars, he must be laughing his head off.

  • Presumably,since Red Whipper Snapper is an equal opportunities employer,smokers can apply?

  • ‘Suitable’ candidate means one of their boys whom they want to do a favour for.
    It is already filled.
    By the way, £28ph is what a veteran C++ programmer can make in the City building financial support applications.
    I even came close to earning £22ph in Vienna.
    But then, that was a mere Air Traffic Control computer.
    These scum are really stealing our piss.

  • Nick M

    I felt I ought to comment on this earlier.

    I just couldn’t think of anything to say without descending into hideous blasphemies, which I’m going to do anyway.

    pietr said what I needed to say but which I couldn’t without getting spittle on my trackpoint.

    I mean there are still some of us who make a living doing things.

    What I felt like saying was said by Krusty the Clown: It’s enough to make Santa Claus himself vomit with rage.

    Just nipped into the other room to get a tab. I caught a bit of a TV washing powder ad:

    “It’s cool to be a model but it’s cooler to be a role-model for my son. I do my bit for the environment by washing at 30C”.

    So it ain’t just HMG is it? It’s an entire nanny knows best dumbing-down of society.

    Oh fuck me backwards with a knotty broom handle. Oh anally rape me with Cherie Blair’s toothbrush! Make me rim Charles Clarke!

    When I was growing-up my role-models were Francis Drake, Ellen Ripley* and Barnes Wallis and not some vacous tart who puts the clothes in at 30 rather than 40.

    Jesus Horatio Christ on a nuclear powered space-hopper what the bastarding-fuck is happening to this country?

    Come the revolution I wouldn’t even put these llama-felching twats against the wall because their splattered gore would be an insult to good brickwork.

    It’s an insult to call these armadillo-felators Orwellian. They’re not. They’re Kafkan because not only is it a tyranny but a tyranny which makes absolutely no bleeding sense.

    Keep up the good work Guy! & thanks for your No2ID stuff. There may just be hope yet.

    *That scene in Alien where WO Ripley is in her pants in the escape ship is the reason frame-advance was invented. Considering what she’d been through those were pristine panties. Perhaps in space, when you boil wash, nobody hears you scream.

  • Sunfish

    So, is this the guy who is going to hang out in bars and watch for people smoking and write citations?

    What are the prospects for driving fast and waving guns around? I might have to send them a CV.

  • nick g.

    I know, because I saw it on a Penn&Teller show, and those guys are way cool with some nude girls turning up on their show once in a while so I know they’d never exaggerate anything, that passive smoking has not been proved to be bad.
    So, what excuse are they offering for the ban? If parents will no longer send kiddies down to the pub to buy some cigarettes, kiddies won’t be gainfully employed, and will form gangs and terrorize their neighbourhoods. That can’t be good, can it? So it can’t be for the kiddies. Or will you still be allowed to buy and sell cigarettes, but not to use them?
    As I mentioned a few months back, could be some room for some ‘speakeasies’ on English soil! Where are you now, Mr. Capone? England needs you!

  • Rim Charles Clark?
    Would his ears flap, or would you use them as grips?

  • I just want to point out a sinister line in all of this. The person has not even been hired directly by an organisation, but by an intermediary who will take a cut, tout the person about (and therefore want to encourage such spending) and they will certainly be charging more than £28ph.

    Fleas upon fleas does not come close. They are a tumour on the nation!

  • MarkE

    My current project is mearing its end and I need to start looking for my future income. In the past this has always meant looking for work, but this opens up a host of possibilities. If I got the gig, would they notice that I was working from home (in the sense of “working within a council”, an oxymoron if ever I read one) six days a week, ten hours a day (I can do dedicated), and doing so well there was no need to issue any tickets?

  • John K

    The Brownian state is now beyond parody. The ability of the public sector to turn a simple piece of legislation into a huge job creation boondoggle is indeed amazing to behold. If Tracy Emin did it they’d call it a work of art. They really have no shame do they?

    One day the state will eat itself.

  • Nick M

    John K,
    Alas, I suspect it will have eaten us first.

    pietr,
    I thought I’d plumbed the depths of depravity but you’ve given me a mental image that will haunt me in the wee small hours. Thanks.

  • llamas

    Nick M wrote:

    ‘Come the revolution I wouldn’t even put these llama-felching twats against the wall because their splattered gore would be an insult to good brickwork.’

    No self-respecting llama would ‘ave ‘em.

    llater,

    llamas

  • Freeman

    Are we emptying prisons to make room for the legions of people caught illegally having a ciggy to be put away?

    If you fine people and they refuse to pay I assume the full might of the law will have to resort to plan B… Locking ‘em up.

    Incidentally, how will all those cigarette smoking Beagles we used to hear about manage in all this? I do hope the Brown motion tells us when he takes full control.

  • Midwesterner

    Freeman, if only!

    The full might of the law prefers fines backed up by property confiscation if not payed promptly.

    It is a win, win, win, for totalitarians. They control whether you smoke. They get money (fines) for doing this. They reduce the amount of personal property extant (non-payment of fines based property confiscation).

    Prison is undesired except for a few examples to be made.

  • Freeman,

    The fines will only apply to those who can “afford” to pay, making it even more desirable to be on the State Teat and thus evade the fines.

    Amazing how keen they are to enforce smoking. If only they were so keen on enforcing a ban on spitting.

  • You have to remember that Brownian Motion is to all intents and purposes random.
    The fact that this is illustrated practically using smoke provides a possible motive for the ban.

  • Ted Schuerzinger

    If you think that’s bad:

    SKorean University Seeks to Bar Smokers

    The head of a major South Korean university is planning to bar students who smoke and to start a campaign against excessive drinking. Oh Myung, president of Seoul’s Konkuk University, told Thursday’s Korea Times that a new admissions policy would give extra points to non-smoking applicants.

    “I will definitely introduce the new system to remove smoking students from our school,” he was quoted as saying in an interview.

    As far as I know, this isn’t a hoax….

  • nick g.

    The Korean news COULD be a misinterpretation. Perhaps they mean to ban FUMING students who look like they’re about to explode! Radical students are not a good look anywhere.

  • nick g.

    I’ve just been reminded that NSW is about to ban smoking in pubs and bars here! And we’ve got a govt. in Canbra that is getting rid of constitutional niceties. Howard really is doing it for the (Aboriginal) Kiddies! But the constitution gets trampled on as well. I think Howard is being honest, but it all ends up with Canbra having more and more laws and regulations with which to control our lives.