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The Foxtrot Oscars

“…and the nominees in the category of Best Fashionable Issue in a Guilt-Supporting Role are….(pause)…World Poverty (applause)…AIDS (applause)…the Iraq War (bigger applause)…Africa (applause)…and Saving the Planet (huge applause).

And the winner is…..(rustle, rustle, rustle)…Saving the Planet!! (more huge applause, whoops, whistles).

Sadly, the Planet can’t actually be with us tonight because its currently on location shooting another movie with Al Gore. But it is going to speak to us now by live satellite link.”

PLANET: (by satellite feed) Oh…oh…this is just so…I don’t know. What can I say? I’m overwhelmed, you know. I mean, I’m up there with World Poverty and AIDS, I mean, WOW, what competition!! I’m just….I don’t know, let me tell you that I am one thrilled, happy, proud biosphere right now. But, you know, this Award isn’t for me. It’s an Award for all the brilliant people who made it possible to save me, all those NGOs and…especially Al Gore…and let me tell you, I am so in awe of that man. I am totally, unbelievably excited to be working with him again. He is my saviour. Absolutely, you know. And I’m accepting this for him as well. What else can I say? I need a drink. Somebody get me a drink (burst of laughter, close up of Jack Nicholson busting a gut). But, seriously, I really want to thank the Academy and I also want to thank my agent, Murray Felberman….I love you, Murray, I love you man. So, I got to get back to work now but I just want to say that I love you all and when I get back to LA we’re going to have a big party (blows kiss).

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19 comments to The Foxtrot Oscars

  • nicholas

    Thad, you’ve got great natural talent for this! Why aren’t you on a comedy channel somewhere? Or why aren’t you writing a book of Politically-Corrected Classics? you’re being under-utilised as only a samizdata contributor. I say- GO FOR IT! Try comedy writing as a career! I’d certainly buy your stuff!!

  • They couldn’t even keep the green politics out of the “Animated Feature” category. Happy Feet, a rather pedestrian movie about CGI penguins, got the nod over the technically superior and deeper Cars. I’m really starting to hate the greenies.

  • I’m in good company, because like Jack Nicholson, I also busted a gut.

    Bravo, Thaddeus!!

  • nicholas

    Hey guys and gals, maybe we should stop picking on the Earth. It’s always been there for me when I needed something to fall back on, and it’s kept that flighty moon in its’ place, and helped me stay grounded all through my mild days. So how about giving the earth a break?

  • Julian Taylor

    I’m disappointed. No Tim Robbins or Susan Sarandon visitations from high to extol the evils of Chimp McBush and the greatness of Ralph Nader? The very least I could have hoped for would have been Charlize Theron to be giving away Oscars while holding an ‘apple’ and telling us all how nice and kind Mr Castro is …

  • Johnathan Pearce

    Thaddus, this is only too real. Very good!

    Glad Mirren won a gong for the Queen. Good movie, much better than I had expected. I reviewed it on the blog several months ago. The guy who played Blair was uncanny.

    Funnily enough, The Queen was financed by a guy in the hedge fund industry, a sign of how those evil capitalists are actually funding interesting movies rather than just blockbusters.

  • They couldn’t even keep the green politics out of the “Animated Feature” category. Happy Feet, a rather pedestrian movie about CGI penguins, got the nod over the technically superior and deeper Cars. I’m really starting to hate the greenies.

    Penguin, the other white meat.

    Why did Alan Arkin get nominated? What was so great about his acting in Little Miss Sunshine? I’m not puzzled because his character is hideously unlikeable (as are most of the others). I just don’t see a great performance.

  • Nick M

    You’re on a roll. That’s two great posts in a row. I made no secret of not being overly impressed by your earlier efforts but it would appear you’re storming.

    The planet is on location with Al Gore. Brilliant because somehow I suspect that’s the way Al “I invented the internet” Gore thinks.

    Ace post.

  • Julian Taylor

    Arkin was pretty good in Little Miss Sunshine though, given how truly dreadful most of last year’s movies were. Nice to see that Pan’s Labyrinth won 3 production oscars though, especially for best cinematography, and that Forest Whitaker won a very well deserved award for The Last King of Scotland.

  • Sam Duncan

    God, the Oscars are awful. Why does anyone care? We all know it’s just the Luvvie Community slapping itself on the back for being conspicuously caring about the latest fashionable Cause, and has bugger all to do with decent pictures.

    I count it as a pretty reliable rule of thumb that no Oscar-winning film can possibly be any damn good. Yes, I’ve heard The Queen isn’t bad, but I’m going to take a hell of a lot more convincing now it’s won two Hollywood doorstops than I would have otherwise.

  • Brad

    When the guy who did the talking busted out how this was a moral, not a political issue (with Al Gore at his side), finally nailed the fact that this is a religion. With the nabobs in the audience dutifully nodding their heads it was like I was watching one of those bad religious programs on Sunday morning.

    When mowing my lawn with a gas mower and leaving my cell phone charge plugged in become moral issues, and can be sanctioned by zealots, I’ll call it what it is – a dystopia. Pretty soon I’ll need a license to fart lest I offend the Jolly Green Giant in the Sky.

    And I’ll go out on a branch and say that most of these same folks adore the unfunded transfers scheduled off into the future. Only such religious zealots could create and environment in an economy revving on the red line is necessary to make good on future socialistic transfers and yet are doing their level best to destroy it.

  • First, you can’t say ‘WOW’, that is now the IP of Bill Gates.
    Second, didn’t anybody see that really great film last year called ‘Thank You For Smoking’?

  • nicholas gray

    Alan- our Australian papers suspect that Alan Arkin got an award because he mightn’t be with us much longer. A better idea would be if they simply awarded Post-Humous Oscars as well as living Oscars (and this year’s Best post-humous Actor award goes to… Saddam Hussein, for making us all believe he had weapons of mass destruction! Sadly, Saddam isn’t with us tonight, but his friend, Osama Bin Ladin, will accept on his behalf)

  • John J. Coupal

    nicholas gray,

    The Australian papers might be on track there. Also, some award had to be given to Little Miss Sunshine because of its knife-sharp insight into today’s middle America. The dialogue is so witty and perceptive that the actors just had to show up and deliver their lines.

    And, yes, Americans are truly thankful that George Bush thumped our prima donna algore in 2000! Pretension is so 20th century.

  • Al Goring us all and then to make matters worse there was the most evil thing to come out of Quebec ever…Celine Dion! That is just cruel.

  • Also, some award had to be given to Little Miss Sunshine because of its knife-sharp insight into today’s middle America.

    That covers only half of the main cast – the harried mom, nihilistic son, and relatively normal little girl. I don’t see in Middle America much of the suicidal prof, self-destructive and totally uncouth grandfather, or the dad who wants to be Norman Vincent Peale but acts more like a cult leader.

  • Speaking of Gore: this is interesting, my argument with Murray notwithstanding.

  • nick g

    Pietr Van Helsing- O.K., I saw ‘thank you for smoking’. If my mother hadn’t died from lung cancer caused by smoking, I might have thought it a great movie.
    However, I know why Hollywood acters are more left-leaning than rightward! Many of them are ‘discovered’, simply because they happen to look good. From obscurity to celebrity without much effort- it can turn your mind. If genes are pure luck, then do they deserve their money? Maybe they can expiate the guilt by supporting causes! However, a star like Arnie, who needed to stay in shape to keep his earning power, would feel he did earn his wealth, so he is more likely to join the Republican party.
    Any other opinions?