Having just recovered from the shock of hearing about David Carr’s illegal tomato seeds, I’ve stumbled this morning across an even madder tax scam, this time originating from among our American friends in Seattle, in Washington State.
Apparently, and I’m still struggling to believe it, there’s a proposal to put a 10-cent coffee tax on every cup of espresso sold in the City of Seattle, to raise money for pre-school child care.
That’s Tax-tastic!
So what’s the alleged tax linkage between espresso coffee and pre-school child care? Linkage? Heck, we don’t need linkage. Here’s what John Burbank said, the man behind the proposed tax:
“I go into these places every day. One of the good things about Seattle is we love our coffee and we love our kids. So let’s make that connection.”
Has anyone reminded Mr Burbank that this is the land of the Boston Tea Party? I think someone should.
And while we’re waiting for the tax to go through, is Frasier available? I think I need a consultation to prevent early-onset total madness. The screens, please nurse. Quickly!
While I’m there in the recovery room, kids, you better watch out. One day, in the US, it’s a coffee tax. The next day, in the UK, it’s a Tetley Tea tax! Maybe those fine people in Boston won’t be the last ones to revolt over caffeine-based refreshments?
For my British acquaintences, you need to understand something about Seattle culture to “get” the full impact of this tax.
Seattle is place where United States coffee culture was reborn. You cannot walk five steps in Seattle without passing a coffee shop. Starbucks, which is in line to run the United States if Microsoft steps down, is a Seattle based company. And as The Onion put it recently in a satiric but not untrue story, “Starbucks opens a Starbucks in a Starbucks Bathroom.” There are three Starbucks within 100 yards of my downtown office, and I live 3200 miles away from Seattle… and we have nothing like the number of coffee shops that Seattle has.
People who live in Seattle are quite often espresso-fueled, drinking several coffees a day. Strong coffee is essential to their culture, and probably essential to keeping up their spirits. It rains far more in Seattle than it does in England, and parents have been known to rouse their children early on a weekend to see the sun, if it happens to make one of its semi-millenial appearances. At least you Brits can go to Spain to get some sun… Seattle-ites… well, they can go to Portland. Not much better. Coffee is therefore essential to life in soggy Seattle – it has replaced sunlight and Vitamin D in the ecosystem.
This proposed tax has the potential to spur a revolt. This is America, dammit. We’ll put up with a lot of shit, but if you tax our breakfast drinks, you are taking your life into your own hands. Hell, the Seattle-ites riot over the World Bank’s loan rates to Bangladesh – what do you think they’ll do over a massive coffee price increase? You think we Americans get a little crazy over guns, oil and skyscrapers? Just try and mess with our Tall Double Mocha Cinnamon Latte. Rumor has it that Clint Eastwood was inspired to ad-lib his famous line in “Dirty Harry” — “Do you feel lucky, punk? Well? Do you?” — when a key grip tried to pinch his Colombian Sumatra blend.
Worse yet, we will have to suffer through another labeling of a beloved substance as a “sin” or “evil” -so that the City Council can call the new extortion a “sin tax”. We have the Fat Tax (restaurant food); the Sin Tax (booze); what will we have for coffee? The Irritable Tax? The Black Menace Tax?
Who knows what effect decreased caffeine consumption will have on the next Kurt Cobain, or Bill Gates? Suicides will go up, the creative energy of musicians, computer programers, and yes, anti-capitalist anarchists, will slump. And what the hell will we do with lethargic anarchist rioters? The only thing they are good for now is entertainment, but if they are lethargic and not able to get “up” for a good riot, they won’t be any use at all. This is an inefficient use of anarchists, I tell you, and we as a society can do better.
And if you are going to tax coffee in Seattle, you might as well tax Italian soccer players for faking injuries after a tackle, tax the French for not being arrogant, or tax he Arabs for hating the Israelis. It goes to the heart of their nature, the thing by which they define themselves, and by which others define them. To pile a coffee tax onto Seattle-ites is a tax on their very being, which invites no less than a violent revolution, or the destruction of the uniquely hippy-dippy/anarcho-capitalist culture that makes the City what it is.
Now if you’ll pardon me, I’m going out to Starbucks to get a venti Redeye, straight up, French Roast/Kona blend.
Sorry, M. Bill, but this story is hilarious. I love it. What I’d really love is for Seattle to tax itself out of hippies, and I think that this might do it.
“One of the good things about Seattle is we love our coffee and we love our kids. So let’s make that connection.”
Hey, I really love medieval torture implements and tax collectors. So let’s make that connection.
“I go into these places every day. One of the good things about Seattle is we love our coffee and we love our kids. So let’s make that connection.”
– yes, let’s impose a tax on having kids and spend the money on subsidies on coffee!!
Hey they are taxing the addicts. What’s wrong with that? And I can rest assured that is one tax I will never pay. You see I loath coffee! This is just very funny.
So when do they start taxing the heroin users of Seatle?
Bah. Just another tax on the rich. And if you can afford to get a 4$ cup of coffee every day, you’re rich in my book.
No one will care.
Why do they want to give tax money to young goats in Seattle?
Because it’s the old goats who come up with these taxes.
I live in Redmond, just east of Seattle (no, I don’t work for Microsoft), and it wouldn’t surprise me to see Seattle tax coffee. Fairly inelastic demand, I would think, and thus fairly predictable tax revenues. And if there’s one thing that Seattle likes as much as coffee, it’s big stupid public works projects. Once they get the money in hand, they’ll probably forget all about The Children and put the money toward their planned monorail expansion. They have a monorail now, but it’s 40 years old, and it doesn’t go very far, and how can they be a world-class city without a world-class monorail? And the cities east of Seattle are talking about monorails, too, because Seattle has a monorail, so why can’t they?
But at least I’m not in California anymore.
As so often, the details are odder the closer you look at it. According to the initiative’s proponents’ website:
Tax would apply only to espresso drinks. Drip coffee and other non-espresso drinks are excluded.
Tax would not apply to businesses with less than $50,000 in annual gross revenues.
Nasty espresso is taxed but not other expensive (more drinkable IMHO) coffees. And small businesses are nice, so we won’t tax them. Sentimental twerps!
As the threshold is based on gross revenues, not gross sinful espresso revenues, it really includes everyone–who can make a living in retail in Seattle on less than $50,000 turnover? So you’re going to have to account for 50 cents worth of tax on $40 espresso sales, and the city will have to deposit the check.
Is this tax going to make money, or are the “kids” going to end up subsidising a bunch of accounts clerks and bankers? And will it suppress the baristas’ tips income, too?
“Hey, I really love medieval torture implements and tax collectors. So let’s make that connection.”
Oh, please, please, please, please!
No linkage? Totally irrelevant.
Check the date on the link. I’m glad to say that last November this proposal went down the drain like…well, like yesterdays’ coffee.
I don’t think it will make it to the next election cycle..
No, as far as I understand, (and, intellectual that I am, I listen to AM talk radio) it will be on the ballot this fall.
If the people in Seattle loves their children so much, why not just let them give the money directly to whatever it’s going to be used for? Wouldn’t that show in a better way that they care?
Corey Keller writes:
Check the date on the link.
My apologies for using an old link. The reason for this was that a ‘current’ link I read needs a subscription fee, so I used another one (neglecting the check the date of the ‘free’ one).
But this cycle is ‘live’ and will be voted on in September. Here’s few more links:
Prospect of espresso tax is grounds for anger in Seattle (Published August 10, 2003)
In Seattle, prospect of espresso tax is grounds for anger (Thursday, August 7, 2003)
Coffee capital eyes tax on ‘designer drinks’
In case anybody’s wondering, on the main post I’ve removed the old ‘old’ link, and replaced it with a new ‘new’ one! Clear as mud.
Once again, thanks to Corey Keller for spotting my mistake.
we love our coffee and we love our kids. So let’s make that connection. I bet that game is fun:
“We love our nice warm comfy duvets and we love cute kittens. So let’s make that connection.” A $1/duvet surcharge to fund feline vetinary care.
“We love our hairstylists and we love fresh orange juice. So let’s make that connection.” A 50 cent/haircut surcharge to subsidise juice sales.
“We love our computers and we love our maple syrup pancakes. So let’s make that connection.” A $5/CPU surcharge to subsidise pancake & syrup provision…
Rob, that game is hella addictive. But I’m so twitchy from drinking coffee that I can’t think straight, so I’m not going to play.