"Two substantive political issues are the federal budget deficit and the war in Iraq. Now, if you're electing Democrats to control government spending, then you're marrying Angelina Jolie for her brains. This leaves the Democrats with one real issue: Iraq. And so far the best that any Democratic presidential candidate has been able to manage with Iraq is to make what I think of as the high school sex promise: I will pull out in time, honest dear."

- PJ O'Rourke. He is still the greatest.

Via Tim Worstall's blog, I came across this imagined encounter between Polly Toynbee, and her political Mr D'Arcy, Brown, by this guy:

As for poor Pol, where to start? Imagine the despair, so raw you can almost taste it. Imagine the sense of crushing disappointment. For years now, she has waited for her prince to come - her dashing Norse warrior, who will sweep away all the effete detritus of the Blair years and unload a torrent of resources into child poverty and public services. Night after night she has left the red light on for him; lying in the bed in her Agent Provocateur lingerie, maybe some crotchless pants and a peephole bra, striking an uncomfortable pose lest he come charging through the door at any moment to sweep her up in his powerful arms.

Oh my god.

This is hilarious.

Well, the daffodils are out, even the shrubs in my small garden are starting to grow. The weather has been rather nice of late. So, in this spirit, take it away, Mr Tom Lehrer:

Spring is here, a-suh-puh-ring is here.
Life is skittles and life is beer.
I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring.
I do, don't you? 'Course you do.
But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me,
And makes every Sunday a treat for me.

All the world seems in tune
On a spring afternoon,
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
Every Sunday you'll see
My sweetheart and me,
As we poison the pigeons in the park.

When they see us coming, the birdies all try an' hide,
But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide.
The sun's shining bright,
Everything seems all right,
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

We've gained notoriety,
And caused much anxiety
In the Audubon Society
With our games.
They call it impiety
And lack of propriety,
And quite a variety
Of unpleasant names.
But it's not against any religion
To want to dispose of a pigeon.

So if Sunday you're free,
Why don't you come with me,
And we'll poison the pigeons in the park.
And maybe we'll do
In a squirrel* or two,
While we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

While I'm linking to what is probably common knowledge here at Samizdata, let me throw in a link to Iowahawk's new Canterbury Tale for Bishop Rowan. In the unlikely event you haven't seen this already, you really, really owe it to yourself to click through.

Just a little taste:

41 Sayth the libertine, "'tis well and goode

42 But sharia goes now where nae it should;

43 I liketh bigge buttes and I cannot lye,

44 You othere faelows can't denye,

45 But the council closed my wenching pub,

46 To please the Imams, aye thaere's the rub."

I had run across some of David Wong's work in the past and really enjoyed it, so I was delighted to find his home base at Pointless Waste of Time. He is one smart, funny guy. Browse around, but I particularly recommend the classics "Inside the Monkeysphere," "The Ultimate War Simulation", and "The God Fuse".

The first two I had run across before, so they've gotten some exposure, but I was glad to find their home, as they are definitely worth re-reading.

If you do not read Michael Totten's blog regularly (and why the hell don't you? It is one of the best damn things on the internet!) then you may have missed this treasure.

And this comment is pretty good too:

This video proves that the surge has failed miserably. The Iraqis are running wild with their scissors and refuse to drink milk and wear seat belt. The pitiful American forces can't even muster the courage to summon insurgents to a shootout themselves. Instead, they have to order random drivers on the road as "human invitation cards". This is sickening.

Heh indeed.

Peter Briffa is on great form.

Tomorrow evening we are doing a blogger bash and one of the Samizdatistas, Michael Jennings in a bout of generosity is bringing a whole leg of Serrano ham to share. Another blogging groupie is kindly bringing a ham stand and a knife. So the video below is particularly relevant and wonderfully silly:

via dropsafe

cross-posted from Media Influencer

The Daily Telegraph asks:

"Just what do chalet girls get up to?"

I have been skiing several times and judging by the partying I er, saw (honest, guv), quite a good deal. As for the chaps, well...

Apparently, the reason Senator Hillary Clinton (New York) won the recent New Hampshire Democratic party US presidential primary was as follows:

No, it appears at this early stage of analysis that the pieces were in place for this win all along, and that the "secret weapon" of the Clinton campaign was their field program to significantly boost turnout with their strongest demographic, single women and women with less than a college degree.

I wonder what we should call "single women and women with less than a college degree"? Not "Soccer Moms" obviously. I have a horrible feeling I know what Chris Rock would call them...

BTW, I note there are no Samizdata category sections for "witchcraft" or "elections". This might be a case for either or both.

"The loss of a leg may generally be regarded as a more real calamity than the loss of a mistress."

- Adam Smith.

I think I agree, although I guess it depends on the mistress.

I am feeling rather groggy after a wonderful party yesterday - I also watched the excellent Barbarians-South Africa match in a pub - but this item on a website called Sharp as a Marble is an instant hangover cure. Good heavens - the stuff you can find on the web.

Important data on the meaning of curves and wiggles.

Not this kind of back up though.

via Make Marketing History

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

- George Carlin, US comedian.

David Friedman has some thoughts on the whole business of human mating and money. I suppose I will be deemed incorrigibly flippant, but I could not help but immediately think of this crackerjack of a funny post on such matters by the one and only Harry Hutton.

Deplorable, obviously.

I just ran across the apocalyptic biblical quote:

And in those days shall men seek death and not find it and shall desire to die and death shall flea from them - Revelations 9:6

In a sudden heavenly flash of deep preternatural understanding and prognostication the true meaning of this ancient prophecy suffused my being.

We are going to capture all the suicide bombers and lock them up for life! I also inferred from it that we will soon have the nanotechnology necessary to extend life to lengths most find unimaginable. This will allow us to lock up these self-portable munitions for even longer.

Cartoons, where would we be without them...

via Nasty, Brutish & Short

The British master of literary parody, Craig Brown - who lives in my old stamping ground of Suffolk - had this absolute blinder of a sendup of the whole, ghastly Prince Diana industry of ropey biographies and kiss-and-tell stories that cropped up after she was killed in that Paris car crash almost 10 years ago (I remember the headlines the following day so clearly, I cannot believe 10 frickin' years have elapsed).

Here's a sample of Brown in action:

A forthcoming book, Diana Ablaze (HarperCollins), carries an interview with an unnamed "highly placed" eyewitness to the blaze at Windsor Castle who claims to have spotted Princess Diana skulking in the shadows with a packet of Zip firelighters peeping out of her top pocket.

I nearly spilled my coffee all over the desk at that one.

I can also recommend this for students of history with a twist.

The other week, I wrote about the Bridge card game ploy known as the Yarborough - taken from the third James Bond story, Moonraker. The names given to various card game gambits can be wonderful. Consider this one:

The author has an amusing, though unkind, name for a holding of Ace King. He calls it ‘Kournikova’ because it is very pretty but never wins.

Well, I rather liked her.

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, "You want hot fudge with that?
And Man said, "Yes!" And Woman said, "I'll have one too with chocolate chips".
And lo, they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad".
And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them".
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter.
And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.
And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with cable T.V. with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger.
Then Satan said, "You want fries with that?" and Man replied, "Yes, and super size 'em".
And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed. And created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then Satan chuckled, and created the National Health Service.

Or the same familiar foaming...

Perfect for a lunch break...

A tip - here is the same video but with better translated subtitles. Alas, the embedding has been disabled, which is rather stupid. Fits the spirit of the thing.

via Boing Boing

The British government has issued a formal apology for Britain's conduct during the Second World War.

Speaking from the House of Commons, Foreign Secretary Margaret Beckett described Britain's conduct in the 1939-1945 period as "shameful":

We recognise that British military aggression between the years of 1939 and 1945 led directly or indirectly to the deaths of many, many people in Europe, Asia, Africa and elsewhere. It is time to acknowledge this fact and to apologise for it.

The opposition Conservatives roundly condemned the Foreign Secretary's remarks as not going far enough and being "too little, too late". They urged the Government to issue a further apology for all the environmental damage inflicted on the world by British forces during the war and since.

In Germany, a spokesman for an association of SS veterans described the apology as "a good start".

Okay, enough serious stuff from me. Quick question to you all - what is the funniest book/film you know, and why? My personal favourites include Dr Strangelove, Animal House, A Shot in the Dark, Code of the Woosters and Carry on up the Khyber.

Thanks to my investigative reporting skills, I came across the following draft of the Conservative Party manifesto for the next General Election. It makes for fascinating reading:

"A Tory Party will be a Green government. Global warming, along with terrorism and capitalism, is the greatest threat to our lives. Today's Tory Party has shed its outmoded addiction to markets, freedom and selfish individualism. Instead, we pledge to shut down industrial civilisation during the course of our first term of office, although we realise that this goal is an ambitious one. Flights will be banned, along with cars, buses, trains, central heating, electric power stations, ports, ferries, factories, foundaries, shipyards, computer stations, everything.

We do of course accept that this policy is a radical one. However, under the funky leadership of David Cameron, a man who has already been prepared for the big challenges of life by his career as an old Etonian and executive for Carlton Communications, we believe our policy of returning to a glorious pre-industrial age is one that is sure to capture the public's imagination.

Vote Conservative.

Sounds like a real winner to me.

People will bet on anything these days.

"I always felt this country was going down the tubes when the television folk replaced Basil Brush with Roland Rat."

My dad, with his finger on the pulse as usual. Here is a tribute page to television's most superior fox.

Spring onions are spring onions (or scallions). Aussies might have recently beat us at a pointless activity (it isn't sport if you can do it in a chunky-knit tank-top) but they lag well beyond the Northern Hemisphere in the recognition of common-place veggies. And your water goes down the plug-hole the wrong way round... And that's moral turpitude that is, not the Coriolis effect.

- Commenter Nick M

According to the Spanish newspaper El Pais, Cuban doctors have performed a number of experimental ass treatments on the 79-year old president-for-life since he first fell ill in July 2006. These treatments have reportedly included cork blockage, cork removal, high-pressure steam cleaning, violent stomach-punches from the Cuban national boxing team, Santaria chicken sacrifice, and mandatory public anti-constipation rallies.

Seeking to reassure citizens that El Jefe remained in control, a photo in Havana's official newspaper last week showed a him relaxing and chatting with visiting Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez while receiving a colonoscopy. This appeared to be administered via an auger bit attached to the rear axle of a 1953 Plymouth.

- Iowahawk

"I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with."

- Denis Leary.

Moving past discussions of endlessly increasing government responsibility over our daily existence and on to the really weighty matters of the day!

Gentlemen. Do not be fooled by recent television commercials depicting comely young hetero chaps guzzling that horrendous, barely alcoholic, sweet, creamy, Celtic muck known as Baileys (girl's drink). See this for what it is - a shameless attempt to broaden the demographic that consumes Baileys (girl's drink). It will not work. I do not care how many advertisements are broadcast showing Baileys (girl's drink)-clutching studly guys and their mates in bars catching the eyes of implausibly hot women. Baileys (girl's drink) is a girl's drink, and no amount of telemarketing sophistry can alter that fact.

Sex Dispute Ends In Tractor Rampage

Hot diggety dog. Don't they always?

(Via Drunkablog)

Okay, another plug for a funny piece of entertainment following my previous posting. My kid brother bought me the DVD of the first series of 'Look Around You', which is a glorious send-up of the 1970s programmes which were used to teach pupils and college students about science, maths and other subjects. The production styles: slightly fuzzy camera shots, corny old folk music, guys with Frank Zappa haircuts wearing tweedy jackets and black-rimmed spectacles, brought back scary memories of how long ago in style terms the 1970s now appears. I went to primary school in that era of flares, British Leyland cars, Roxy Music and endless labour disputes. The education programmes used to be narrated by some posh-sounding gent, or occasionally woman, normally with a perfect received pronunciation and heavy touch of condescension. The programme-makers would sometimes be a bit daring and let the vowels of Edinburgh or even Wales onto the show.

It may be unlikely material for a spoof, but the show Look Around You is in my view the funniest television comedy I have seen in years. I do not know if someone who was not brought up in Britain when these original programmes were made would 'get' the gag. However, if you are British, aged about 40 and your blood runs cold at mention of the words NHS spectacles or "modular study guides", then rent out or buy this DVD. We like to bash the BBC here at Samizdata because of the tax-financing of it, sorry, the licence fee, but this is a gem and is in the same bracket in my opinion as 'The Fast Show'.

(Health warning: I laughed so much at this show that my jaw is now actually quite painful. Avoid liquids).

The Monty Python purists may be offended - I tend to find such people awkward company - but if you want to have a fun night out and laugh yourself hoarse, then the crazy musical/panto/ "Spamalot" is a must-see event. It has been running in London's West End for a few weeks now and has already been a smash in Broadway.

"We are the Knights who say neeeee!"

The latest edition of The Onion has some invaluable advice on avoiding being "irresponsible" when it comes to drinking booze this Christmas.

God, I love that publication.

"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy".

Groucho Marx (the Marx who actually had intelligent things to say about money).

Despite it being a highly sinister state, one of the most notable aspects of the façade North Korea presents to the rest of the world can be found in the unintentionally rich comedic value sincerely dished out by Pyongyang's global network of propagandists. Exhibit A would have to be the depiction of the country's kooky leader, Kim Jong il, who was famously and brilliantly lampooned in the movie Team America: World Police. Further evidence can be found in Samizdata postings on earlier oddball giggles courtesy of North Korea's propaganda machine - review these here and here.

But wait, there's more. A brief glance at recently-discovered Songun blog (looking through the comments threads there, it is quite remarkable how many people do not realise the site is satirical - hint, hint) prompts further amusement at the cack-handedness of the North Korean P.R. people. Did you know that North Korea is planning to host an international rock festival in early-mid 2007? It's true. According to the North Korean English language website, Voice of Korea, ROCK FOR PEACE

will be the 2007 version of Woodstock rock festival in 1969 but in a different location and with a different goal.

Riiiight. And like crazy ol' spontaneous and unregulated Woodstock of 1969, Rock For Peace promises

few restrictions and conditions on participation but any band will be considered even though you are from USA. The lyrics should not contain admirations on war, sex, violence, murder, drug, rape, non-governmental society, imperialism, colonialism, racism, anti-DPRK, and anti-socialism. There are few restrictions and conditions on participation but any band will be considered even though you are from USA. The lyrics should not contain admirations on war, sex, violence, murder, drug, rape, non-governmental society, imperialism, colonialism, racism, anti-DPRK, and anti-socialism.

I am not sure there are any American acts who would satisfy the criteria. Perhaps the Brits could send Rolf Harris, preferably on a one-way passage.

There are, however, indications that the North Korean propaganda machine is starting to come to terms with the concept of producing convincing copy. Displayed at the bottom of the Voice of Korea website is a photo of a few hot and bothered middle-aged Euros posing with a group of male teenage soccer players. Songun (and this Guardian article) quotes the caption of the picture in question as reading

HEY, AMERICANS, YOU SHOULD LEARN A LOT FROM OUR NORWEGIAN FRIENDS WHO ARE HAVING REALLY GOOD TIME WITH NORTH KOREAN YOUNG SCHOOL BOYS.

No doubt to the Norwegians' immense chagrin, a really good time with the boys is no longer being had over at Voice of Korea. They're learning - one step at a time.

"Jokes about polonium 210 will be half as funny 138 days from now"

Via the Adam Smith Institute blog I came across this excellent essay over at the LewRockwell site about South Park. Definitely worth a read. Of course it is not the first time that the outrageous but wonderfully sharp series has been noted for its libertarian, anti-puritan content. Blogger Andrew Sullivan even coined the phrase - I think - South Park Republicans. I doubt that the makers of the series would want to be seen dead with many modern self-styled conservatives, and I would love Parker and Stone to have a go at our own benighted David Cameron's Tories. There was a whole book on the subject by Brian Anderson called South Park Conservatives, which I quite liked, although it had some flaws. Reason magazine had a recent nice article about the characters.

Of course, arguably PJ O'Rourke was ahead of them all with his Republican Party Reptiles, which is essentially a libertarian credo in most respects. The nearest we have in Britain to such a celebration of brash material wealth and fun, irreverence towards do-gooders of all forms is motoring journalist Jeremy Clarkson.

WASHINGTON, DC—After months of aggressive campaigning and with nearly 99 percent of ballots counted, politicians were the big winners in Tuesday's midterm election, taking all 435 seats in the House of Representatives, retaining a majority with 100 out of 100 seats in the Senate, and pushing political candidates to victory in each of the 36 gubernatorial races up for grabs.

The Onion notices the awful truth. Their overall election coverage is quite chuckle-inducing, too.

Update: All right, there are a couple of decent ones in there. I like Dr No.

(h/t: Avatar Briefs)

Count this against the serendipitous beauty of found objects, but I just got suckered into opening an email I had not intended to, and found this bit of salient, nonsensical prose heading up a doubtless spurious offer to buy stocks in some ethanol company that I suspect is not incorporated anywhere near the State of Delaware:

Some fire hydrant conquers the ball bearing. When you see a fruit cake related to the deficit, it means that the accurately proverbial fairy takes a coffee break. Now and then, another purple power drill eats a freight train defined by the tornado. For example, a demon defined by a spider indicates that some pig pen sells the recliner to the salad dressing over a rattlesnake. When a cantankerous support group reads a magazine, the federal deficit starts reminiscing about lost glory.... If the minivan about a pine cone usually competes with a mortician over the support group, then a skyscraper hides.

This is as good a bit of expiatory nonsense as any I have ever read. And I have read a lot.

Corporate executives used to avoid talking about their war experiences. But today's educated executives thrill and eventually bore you with their high-altitude conquests. A quarter of them seem either to be just back from one of those instant-glacier expeditions or to be deep in the midst of training for one...You get the impression that every spot on earth over 10,000 feet above sea level is packed with magneta-clad millionaires luxuriating in their thin-air hardships.

- David Brooks, Bobos in Paradise, first published in 2000, page 209.

The hardest part about 'libertarian' is learning how to roll your eyes

- Ze Frank

See if you tell the difference.

With our troops safely back, the people of Iraq can then begin building a faith-based society emphasizing the same traditional values that motivate conservatives like you: women at home, prayer in school, capital punishment for homos.

- Howard Dean (channelled by blogging über-wit Iowahawk) is sniffing out votes in unlikely places.