Oh yes! I can see bataillons of cleaning ladies storming down the escalators, apron, feather duster and all!

My personal favourite was last Thursday. The District and Circle lines were not operating via Westminster - central London - due to staff shortages.

Yes, your eyesight is working. I said "staff shortages". Britain is allegedly a G7 nation, the fourth or fifth richest in the world. But in its capital city, smack in the middle of the place, one of the main stations serving the centre of government was closed.

staff shortages

I noticed and was amused/alarmed by that too. Perhaps it's because all LUL employees are these days kept far too busy standing superfluously on every platform across the Underground network and making facile announcements and exhortations through those little walkie-talkies. It's like the tape recorder was never invented.

some Possible Explanations(Link) :-)

The “facile exhortations” are usually attempting to get customers to use the whole length of the platform, rather than all bunch up at the entrance of the platform and fall under the next train in.

They have to be done at the time to suit the situation as required in the rush. That’s why they have staff on the platforms – and yes they can even do recorded announcements too.

Actually, they send people down most evenings to clear the large amounts of hair and dust that blow down the tunnels from the platforms. Back in the day, these were female workers known as fluffers. Warning: do not google this term at work.

The best one I ever heard was:

This train is delayed due to the late running of the train ahead.

Obviously trains can't overtake, but...

My favourite was the following. (This was on a mainline train). Imagine a robotic automated voice that still somehow manages to sound bored.

"The rear set of doors in the last carriage are not going to open, and passengers should use a different set of doors. This is due to..... (long pregnant pause)..... door failure".

My favourite is still the all-encompassing getout phrase used by their staff which can appear apologising and very helpful yet means absolutely nothing, namely:

London Underground wishes to apologise for any inconvenience caused and advises passengers to take the first available train and to change where necessary.

Mine was
"this sevice is stopping at Hoxford and Swindon Honly.
If yo want to go anywhere else you on the wrong damn train"

Back in the day, the trains to the South of London were frequently disbrangled by "leaves on the line". Is this still a common problem?

My personal favourite - 'escaped puma at Chessington North.' Yes, I know it's just fiction, but it's no more outlandish than many other, real excuses.

llater,

llamas

Another: "Please move down inside the carriages. You know you want to."

This is not about trains, but it is about announcements in transport. If I recall correctly the late, great Peter Ustinov once said that while flying with a German airline, the pilot suddenly announced to the passengers: "You will be pleased to know I have regained control of the aircraft."

Apologies if I have got this wrong, and perhaps people with better memories than mine can correct it.

Leaves on the line is still a serious problem; it's even caused a couple of (fortunately non-fatal) crashes when trains have skidded on slippery rails and failed to stop. I've seen I train I've been waiting for overshoot the platform by seven carraige lengths.

It's better managed these days; they use a combination of technological solutions and defensive driving techniques.

I've been 22 minutes late to work due to a swan on the line (Near Staines in the 1990s).

Had "Thieves on the line" too. Pity they didn't actually announce it as that.

Last week the trains from Clapham Junction to Reading were late due to engineering works. After instructions to change platforms, twice, a train arrived which everyone got onto. There was an announcement "Can the guard please come see the driver". Two minutes later, another announcement, "This is the guard. This train will terminate here because the crew don't know the way to Reading. Please alight, the train is going back to the shed."

I know Clapham Junction is the busiest train station in England, and has a few choices as to which track to take, but..................

That one's not as silly as it sounds; drivers need 'route knowledge' of every line before they can drive a train along it: it covers things like the location and braking distance for every signal, all speed restrictions and so on.

They also need the same knowledge of each type of train. This led to a train being terminated short of it's destination when it had to change direction (I think it was at Shrewsbury). The train was made up of two coaches of different types, and the driver didn't have traction knowledge of the coach at the other end, which would then have been at the front. The official reason was "The driver doesn't know how to drive the other end", which didn't sound very good.

That makes all the sense in the world. Trains are routinely very safe and mundane, but like airliners, they are subject to horrific crashes when some dumb little widget is pressed out-of-sequence.

A consistent shocker of modern life, is how many imbecilic little safety-bromides are written in blood. Like "not running with scissors"...

The best one I ever heard was:

This train is delayed due to the late running of the train ahead.

Obviously trains can't overtake, but...

That's nothing. Several times on the underground I've been delayed because the train behind was running late. Apparently they didn't want too big a gap between the trains, presumably for overcrowding reasons.