My doctor agrees that I should be smoking like a fish

A kipper?

Your doctor most likely would rather you drank like a train, too.

Not sure about that, Eric- some locomotives are pretty thirsty!

Here in Pittsburgh, we say "This is a drinking town with a football problem." Different kind of football, yeah, I know, but you get the idea...

That's kind of like "I was watching a fight and a hockey game broke out."

When I utter a remark similar to some I have placed in comments sections, people occasionally ask me what I've been smoking. Standard answer: "Brined salmon fillets, over hickory."

My auntie used to do great ones all the time.
She was telling a story about WW2.
"So there we all were, Me, your Nan and my lovely Norman, home on passionate leave"

RAB, that's classic and fantastic. More! More!

Well how about when she used to come to my mums house for sunday lunch and say
" Dont put too much for me Brenda cos I'll only eat it"
Boy could these old birds put it away!

This ones for the American audience.
Yogi Berra, the legendary New York Yankees baseball coach (and apparantly model for the cartoon Yogi Bear)
was in a pizza place one night and was asked if he wanted his 12" cut into four or eight.
"Better make that four son, I dont think I could eat eight."

My favorite Yogism is (when he and some friends were deciding on a restaurant)

"Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded."

I've never heard of Stephen Wright, so he was before my time in the US, or after, I don't know his dates, but he said, "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" (Hat tip: LGF)

He is still exanct and very dry.
They say it's a small world
But I wouldn't want to paint it
Yes good choice.

But he said he bought some used paint, in the shape of a house.

Yeah but by the time he realised he'd used his car keys
in the door of the house
He'd driven his apartment half way round the block before he could get them out again.
Download Real Player. If It fucks up your system I'll pay honest. A smile a day keeps almost anything away.

I'd never heard of him before. But he said, "The other day, I was walking down the street ... Oh, wait a minute ... that wasn't me."

Have you heard of Elmo Phillips?
A stick insect of a man (Ha I can talk!)
Who's delivery of surreal one liners is very similar to Wrights, but more dark.
There may be a good reason for this.
They went to school together.
That must have been one hell of a fun High School!

More Yogi-isms:

"When you get to a fork in the road, take it."

My favorite - "Ninety percent of baseball is half-mental."