Do you have left-wing friends and relations? Are you stuck for ideas on what to buy for them this Christmas? Then fret no longer. Just hurry along to your nearest major retail outlet and pick up the latest version of ‘EEZI-SCREED’, the fast and trouble-free method of constructing perfect left-wing articles.
The EEZI-SCREED kit comes with a drawstring bag and a series of small plastic tablets printed with words like:
‘BUSH’, ‘CORPORATE’, ‘GREED’, ‘RACIST’, ‘ENRON’, ‘ZIONIST’, ‘RIGHT-WING’, ‘IMPERIALIST’, ‘OIL’, ‘SELFISH’, ‘AFRICA’, ‘SOCIAL’, ‘JUSTICE’, ‘INEQUALITY’, ‘CARING’, ‘ENVIRONMENT’ and ‘THIRD-WORLD’
together with a generous supply of prepositions and definite and indefinite articles.
All you have to do is to put all the tablets into the drawstring bag, give them a good shake and then empty the bag of its contents onto a table or other flat surface to create the perfect left-wing rant ready for publication in the Guardian, the Independent or the Democratic Underground.
‘EEZI-SCREED’ is the ideal Christmas present for the journalist, college professor or activist that you love. It’s the gift that’s guaranteed to provide endless hours of malcontented wailing and defeatist misery.
Get ‘EEZI-SCREED’ now, while stocks last!
Will the recipients be tested for competency to handle those pieces? Will there be suitable warnings from The Nanny State? Will there be age restrictions on purchase? Will a background check be required?
During my undergrad days at CMU, one of my friends wrote a computer program that generated Richard Nixon insults this way. This was in the days of Fortran on punch card decks and large fanfold output listings picked up at the comp-centre desk.
Thousands of lines about improbable Nixonian physical acts. Marvelous stuff. 🙂
That is just too, too good! And yet so fitting for all the usual squealing and whining one reads or hears.