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Samizdata, derived from Samizdat /n. - a system of clandestine publication of banned literature in the USSR [Russ.,= self-publishing house]

Learn to speak Guardianese

This is an article from the Guardian:

“The Angel of Death is stalking the streets and leafy suburbs of Maryland in the form of an unknown and, thus far, unseen sniper who has seemingly murdered up to six people in cold blood and for no apparent motive.

The fear of sudden death hangs like a shroud over the entire State under which its hapless and anxious citizens scurry from cover to cover lest they be the sniper’s next victim. This is the real America; rheumy-eyed, mistrustful and dangerous. A place where any passing stranger could be a stone-cold killer and where a violent and bloody death waits just around the next turning for it’s vulnerable and haunted citizens.

While the police search frantically to find the elusive marksman before he claims his next victim, maybe they should pause to consider whether they will ever really bring the guilty party to justice. For, regardless of who’s finger is actually pulling the trigger, the real culprit here is America itself.

Despite the increasingly horrific death toll, this is a nation which still clings rabidly to the absurd and outdated notion of allowing private citizens to own firearms. The simple fact that guns kill people is so banal in its obvious truth that it should not need restating anywhere; except that is, among the Republicans and their gun-lobby puppet-masters who will baulk at the merest suggestion of sensible regulation lest it blow a big hole in their profits. In the meantime, we Europeans can only scratch our bemused and wiser heads and wonder how many more painful lessons will have to be endured before America’s red-necked boys get their toys taken away from them.

But the gun-toting culture is only partially to blame because, in order to be truly lethal, it has to be combined with a reckless, inhuman cowboy capitalism with its injunction to the devil to take the hindmost and let the weak and frail die where they fall. In the land where the Dollar is King, the citizens are merely dispensable serfs providing nothing more than an opportunity cost to be measured on the bottom line against a cardboard cut-out target and a magazine full of dum-dum rounds. In America, breakfast is cheap but so is life.

For us on the safe side of the Atlantic, we can but give thanks for a more progressive political leadership that recognises these squalid dangers and defends us against their encroachment. Not so the average American who is left to twist in the pitiless wind while their elected officials busy themselves with the more lucrative task of propping up their nations corporate interests. When democracy can be trumped by chicanery, as in the Florida elections re-count, good faith lies bleeding. When you witness your own government flaunt the will of the international community, as expressed by Kyoto and the International Criminal Court, is it any wonder your dashed hopes and routed expectations may express themselves as murderous fury? If you hold democratic institutions up to contempt it is but a short step to holding life itself in contempt.

Pray that the Maryland police find this trigger-man quickly and let their be no more tragic victims. But pray also that the bereaved seek true justice by demanding that the murders of their loved ones be added to ever-growing list of crimes that must be laid at the door of George W. Bush”

Alright, I lied. This article did not appear in the Guardian. But it probably will at some point. Who knows, maybe I’ll send it in as copy.

16 comments to Learn to speak Guardianese

  • RB

    Are these shootings the work of the anti-globalist left, or the anti-war islamofascist? Both groups made strong appearances in the Washington DC area recently.

    As for the anti-gun lobby, I doubt that it would go that far ( hire snipers) to attack the gun habits of americans. But then again, they would have to pay big money for marketing campaigns with this much exposure.

    Most americans are thinking about buying a gun or three or four, rather than surrendering the ones they have in this roller coaster time in history. Americans are feeling a bit vulnerable, and may want a little heat, for comfort’s sake.

  • CS

    I find it interesting that so many people want to use these shootings for political fodder. You could hear the salivation as talking heads speculated it was a militarily trained person. Some on the Right also speculate that the media is leaving out any mention that it could be and islamofascist or anti-globilization protester.

    But it is primarily anti-military and anti-American and anti-gun people that do this sort of thing loudest(suprise!) because they have the biggest media microphones.

    I find it interesting how anyone could view this as a reason or argument for gun control or not invading Iraq. Both opinions are based on being weak so that others wont harm you.

    People say that terrorists aren’t targetting Europe because they are basically acting like pussies… er sorry, pacifists, and only seek peace. That might be true if you are not a Jew. How many Synagogues have burned in France, much less Europe in the last year? I am sure that all of the hospitilized Jews that were victims of beatings are happy they weren’t armed. The governments that try so hard to control their lives would have probably executed them for defending themselves.

  • Dude, you are Matthew Engel! (Don’t take that the wrong way.)

    By the way, the latest reports say the gunman might be a North Carolina-based white supremacist. (http://news.independent.co.uk/world/americas/story.jsp?story=340022)

  • Peter Schiavo

    It’s probably two Redcoats who don’t realize the war is over. They’re waiting for Cornwallis to return.

  • Sounds a lot like a BBC article, as well. They are rabidly anti-gun and sometimes write purple prose like that. I want to like the BBC, but it’s a mockery of objective journalism. Especially on ecological and social issues. And they pretty much explained away Mugabe’s actions as if he had a good reason to do them.

  • Molly

    Yes, that sounds just like the Guardian or Independent. Shite pure and simple.

  • If the Guardian writes something obnoxious, I don’t all mind having a link to it, but getting pissed off at something and then finding out that you made it up and attributed it falsely isn’t my idea of fun.

  • Nancy: Well perhaps it is a cultural thing because I thought it was funny too. David is making a serious point because quite frankly it is hardly more extreme that the stuff you really can read in the Guardian, just is a slightly more overblown style. It may not be to your taste but it is a valid bit of political satire.

  • I was paging through my Sunday paper this morning and came across an article about gun control and the Maryland shootings. The anti-gun nuts are coming out of the woodwork already and although some of them are claiming that they won’t try to capitalize on this, the Brady Campaign (nee Handgun Control Inc) is going to make this an issue in the Maryland governor’s race.

    What’s really interesting is that Maryland has some of the most noxious and draconian gun laws in the country (surpassed only by Washington DC itself–but that’s a rant unto itself). The only thing the Maryland laws have done is create unarmed victims, giving the shooter a much easier environment in which to work. Of course, having a gun on your person won’t do you any good if your’re being targeted from a distance, but an armed citizen would be able to intervene if he/she happened to see a white van with a muzzle sticking out of the window.

  • It amazes me that with all the violence directed at European politicians in the past few months, the Europeans still have the guts to talk down to america about crime and guns. We have not had a major politician injured in an attack since Reagan’s first months in office.

    People have the right to protect themselves. With guns if necessary. This right is endowed by our creator and not from any societal or governmental pact.

  • mushmellon

    I can completely understand why people would see this as an excuse not to invade Iraq. Why the hell are we going to stick our big American dick in someone else’s country if we can’t even control our own?

  • Emily Jones

    Perry: it’s not a cultural thing. I laughed as well.

  • Robert Cording

    Why are Americans so much more violent than European?

    1. The US murder rate is much higher than most Euopean countries.
    2. Advocates of liberal gun controls say that gun ownership prevents murders. Therefore if the US had European-style gun controls then its murder rate would be much, much higher…

    It’s a puzzle.

  • If gun ownership itself lead to higher rates of homicide, then why is the Swiss murder rate so low?

  • A_t

    Because the guns the Swiss have really belong to the government. Because they’re not allowed to take them out, except on Military exercises. Because they have a strong sense of duty & responsability.

    There’s a big difference between people being allowed to keep their military equipment at home, and licensing individuals with guns for use in whatever activity they think suitable.