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The Libertarian’s Song

by Liberty Fitz-Claridge

I am the very model of a modern libertarian;
I’m at the Diamond’s farthest corner from ‘Authoritarian’.
I’m of the view, in short, that we should do away with all the laws,
Except the ones that thwart the sort who’d harm or take my things by force.

The socialists demand that we ought really to redistribute
The money made by businessmen to help support the destitute.
But those of us who set less store by looting than by Liberty
Would say a man’s well-being is his own responsibility!

Would say a man’s well-being is his own responsibility,
Would say a man’s well-being is his own responsibility,
Would say a man’s well-being is his own responsibili-bili-ty!

Ideas which stem from this include that school is not compulsory.
When older, children may attend free-market university.
In short, it is the opposite of life totalitarian,
With free adults and children in a climate libertarian.

In short, it is the opposite of life totalitarian,
With free adults and children in a climate libertarian.

The hoi polloi have rolled their eyes and left us to obscurity,
Since fans of David Friedman cry, “The state, the state is after me.”
Indeed, there are among us those who dream of a utopia.
For this they are thought madmen, though it’s only hyperopia.

We liberals won’t rest until all state-run works are privatised;
From ports to courts, from wealth to health, we want the state to be downsized.
These things are not done well by even loving, caring government;
It loves us at our own expense – and what when all that love is spent?

It loves us at our own expense – and what when all that love is spent?
It loves us at our own expense – and what when all that love is spent?
It loves us at our own expense – and what when all that love-is love-is spent?

And surely no one’s worthy of the job of politician
Who does not see the value of untrammelled competition.
In short, you should repudiate the crude authoritarian
And study to become a far superior libertarian.

In short, I should repudiate the crude authoritarian
And study to become a far superior libertarian.

When I have read von Mises’ massive tomes from end to end firsthand;
When I’ve the nerve to voice in English classes that I like Ayn Rand;
When I have studied economics and gone earnestly to FEE;
When I have learnt what progress has been made in private law theory …

When I’ve read Hayek, Mill and Smith, my expertise evincible;
And when I know exactly what is meant by ‘homestead principle';
In short, when I know politics and all the right philosophy,
You’ll say a better libertarian there never was than me.

You’ll say a better libertarian there never was than she,
You’ll say a better libertarian there never was than she,
You’ll say a better libertarian there never was-than was-than she!

Though mainstream folk are loath to recognize or even tolerate
These vital, timeless principles that libertarians venerate,
And though the ignorant consensus is authoritarian,
I am the very model of a modern libertarian.

And though the ignorant consensus is authoritarian,
She is the very model of a modern libertarian.

14 comments to The Libertarian’s Song

  • That was delightful. Thank you for posting it.

    I think that was the most creative variation I’ve come across since the Ancient Comic Opera Company in Toronto, Canada, did a version called I am the Very Model of a Modern Intellectual and inserted it into Aristophanes’ Clouds back in 1995 or thereabouts.

  • That was absolutely marvellous! seriously excellent song. a recording ought to be made! :)

  • Ian Bennett

    Bravo!

    That’s all.

  • Steve

    Excellent, thanks.

    As a postscript, can someone explain the words Liberal, Left and Right to me. They are used so many times in contexts that are mutually incompatible that they have become meaningless. Liberal here, in ‘Liberal Democrat’ and as applied to Californians is a case (three cases?) in point.

  • tdh

    Ditto on the brava, in keeping the same G&S lightness.

    Now, in darker tones, we need to hear from the Lord High Executioner regarding the modern journalist, or other hoi kakistoi (accented on weight, not pitch); they never will be missed.

  • Liberty

    Steve — American terminology is stupid. In America liberal = bong-smoking socialist. In the UK it can mean something closer to ‘libertarian’ (unless attached to ‘Democrat’).

  • Gabriel

    Liberty is a very inhospitable for topic for decent poetry, lyric or otherwise. It’s something to with the inherent worthiness of it, I think, combined with the fact that actually it’s really a very simple concept that does not need extended elucidation. Milton was the 2nd most talented wordsmith the English have had and when he discusses Liberty, he often borders on unreadable. The sanctimonious hectoring is enough to overwhelm good language, of which there is conspicuously less than when he deals with other topics.

    Also, it takes a lot of skill to make anything readable if you’re going to use a lot of 5 and 6 syllable words.

  • I like it! My only complaint is the double definite article in “the hoi polloi.”

  • tdh

    Hey, “the hoi polloi” is no worse than “the Alhambra” (the the red) or “river Don” (river ~river) or “Dunlaw Hill” (hill hill hill), and might not even be redundant.

  • Nice. All we need now is for someone to reocrd thsi and post to YouTube. Any volunteers (I can do backing vocals!)

  • CCT

    Clever and creative, while accurately conveying the essence of libertarianism. Well done.

  • peter hurley

    Liberals value sexual freedom and material equality at the cost of political freedom and property rights, conservatives value political freedom and the well-being of large corporations but not sexual freedom or property rights, while libertarians value all three freedoms, but forced to choose they would prefer sexual freedom to property rights and property rights to freedom of speech. That’s a cynical answer but fairly accurate, I think.

  • Libertarians are a sub-set of ‘liberals’ Peter, which is why Liberty uses the word the way she does quite correctly :-(

    Left wing statists are not liberals, they are profoundly illiberal in fact.

    And ‘sexual freedom’ is actually a misnomer… ‘self-ownership’ would be more accurate.

  • Laird

    I agree with Perry, Peter, but would add that, as a personal matter, if I were forced to rank the three “rights/freedoms” you listed, I would put property rights first, followed by free speech, with sexual freedom a distant third. But I don’t speak for any other libertarian.

    Add me to the list of those who enjoyed the song. Someone has way too much free time on her hands!