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Samizdata, derived from Samizdat /n. - a system of clandestine publication of banned literature in the USSR [Russ.,= self-publishing house]

What about beard-trimmers?

This kind of thing used to enrage me. Then it got to the stage where it embarrassed me. Then it began to perplex me. But now, I am almost entirely resigned.

Go on, do your very worst. Bring it on:

A&E doctors are calling for a ban on long pointed kitchen knives to reduce deaths from stabbing.

A team from West Middlesex University Hospital said violent crime is on the increase – and kitchen knives are used in as many as half of all stabbings.

The researchers said there was no reason for long pointed knives to be publicly available at all.

Next: Doctors call for ban on opposable thumbs.

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36 comments to What about beard-trimmers?

  • You reduce death from stabbing by making the laws governing the use of them sensible.

    Stabbing someone should be BY DEFAULT attempted murder unless they can prove otherwise. Who stabs someone in the chest and thinks that in all probability it will not significantly endanger life?

    Last time I looked, ignorance was no defence. It appears it is becoming the default cop-out, with the encouragement of NeueArbeit.

  • How about sharp sticks?

  • zmollusc

    Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I’ll tell you something my lad. When you’re walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don’t come crying to me!

  • rport

    Bloody hell, this just defies belief !

    The only other piece of “research” that I’ve ever seen with this kind of pandering to Hysteria was the Kellerman Study in the NEMJ in 1993. And that was proven to a load of bull.

    I’ve got the feeling that that these doctors need a vist to their proctologist collegues to get their heads unstuck.

  • This is a parody, right?

    [tap, tap] Is this thing on?

  • dearieme

    Further evidence for a friend’s Rule: “All medical research is rubbish”.

  • JuliaM

    This sounds more like a desperate attempt at publicity for their research to me….surely they can’t expect anyone (even our lousy Govt) to take this seriously, can they…?

  • Gilbert Meldrew

    How about banning doctors? I read somewhere that more people die from medical malpractice in hospital, than are killed in road accidents and criminal assault combined.

    And if you accept that MRSA is a result of medical malpractice, then the ‘death by doctor’, statistic shows that doctors are far more lethal than all the yobs, homicidal drivers, and ne’er-do-wells combined.

    Let’s do the right thing and ban doctors.

  • toolkien

    I remember a time when people used to be called to task in the gun debate when they’d say “what, are you going to take kitchen knives too” and the answer was “don’t be silly and cloud the argument”. And now?

    People used to laugh at cigarette lawsuits. That is until the media and attorney generals swung in behind the cause. People now laugh at attacks on fast food. The lesson is nothing is silly when the apparati of State and the fourth eState kick it into gear. So these folks just might be harping, or waiting for the time when the bloated corpus of State decides to ooze a roll of its fat gut in its preferred direction.

    More pratically, I’d like to test the data as to which chefs they talked to. Cooking shows are all the rage here in the US, and all I see them using for dicing etc are long, fat bladed knives, rounding to a point so they can pump it like a handle for effecient cutting. And are steak knives to be banned too. I’d think a pointed five inch blade can do a lot of damage too.

    But what the hell, bring on the blue pills and sporks. I’m near the point of giving up.

  • Neo

    What about bananas ?

    Perhaps putting serial numbers on each banana.

  • Chris

    I can only assume that noone involved in this research project knows how to cook! I guess that if the only thing you know how to do is open packets and tins, knives might not seem that useful.

    You’ve got to wonder at the lack of common sense that some people have. Why do these researchers think kitchen knives are designed the way they are? Do they think that people have been designing, manufacturing and using these knives for centuries for no reason?

  • Laugh it up… but just wait until you’re forced to cut steak with a butterknife.

    Oh, wait… steak? Too much fat (and it’s that icky meat stuff), so it’s going to be banned too.

    I look into the future, and I see… a nation eating pablum, with cardboard spoons.

    Flee before it gets too late.

  • Don’t worry, Kim.

    Long before it gets to that point, we’ll all be living under sharia, and you can bet the imams won’t put up with any of this limp-wristed neo-nanny crap.

    You’ll have your knives, and your nice halal steak to use them on, too.

  • As I posted late last night, I guess this means no “Iron Chef U.K.“, right?

    Man, you guys have all the luck.

  • trmcdougle

    Although the article does not say it other sources (TV news) said that they asked Chefs whether there was any use for pointed knifes in the kitchen.

    I use the point of such a knife all the time in my kitchen…to open fast food packets when the corner pull does not work, I doubt many chefs buy those products!

  • Julian Taylor

    If we banned long pointy knives from kitchens would that mean we would no longer be subjected to the barrage of 10th rate chefs exercising their colossal egos on British Television? If its a tossup between having to cut my food with a licenced, police-certified, EU-standardised kitchen knife and watching Jamie bloody Oliver swanning over the BBC then give me the forms …

  • Daniel

    I suppose “All in the Family” had a touch of clairvoyance.

    In response to Meathead’s (or it might have been Sally Struthers) comment that guns kill how every many people a year, Archie responds, “would it make you happier if they were stabbed?” Apparently not in the UK.

  • Edward

    Most people seem to think that it’s difficult to kill humans, unless you have a gun or particularly nasty knife. This is an implicit assumption in all gun control arguments (and now apparently knife-control).

    This is simply false. Humans are quite fragile, and there are numerous household items that can make effective weapons.

    General safety has nothing to do with the availability of effective weapons and everything to do with the fact that most people simply aren’t violent criminals.

    The only thing that makes firearms stand out as weapons is that they are great equalizers: they are the most effective way for the weak to defend themselves against the strong.

  • Tim in PA

    Well, let’s see, when you ban firearms and other weapons for self defense purposes, and make it legally hazardous and/or outright illegal, to fight back against attackers, what do you get?

    An increase in crime, and an increase in violent crime, because now the criminals have much less to fear from their victims. It also makes the use of knives, clubs, etc., more profitable, as they are less risky to carry yet still highly effective against weaker victims (little old ladies, etc.)

    That a bunch of supposedly educated men such as these doctors can fail to see this, should surprise me. It does not. Sadly, very few things surprise me anymore.

    A friend surmises that some day Britains will all be running around naked, when people realize they can be strangled with the only things left unbanned — their clothes.

    There is still plenty of room over here in the States for you poor saps still living in Britain, you know….

  • Kristopher

    You know … the real danger here is the human brain … it can make a weapon of anything.

    Has anyone in parliament considered banning thought?

  • gravid

    Well, they did say they were going to beef up the laws on knives didn’t they?
    I shall have to “go underground” when I prepare food from now on ( no packet crap for me).
    The covert kitchen is upon us.

    What next, all food to be liquidised as teeth can be used in violent acts?

  • John K

    Has anyone in parliament considered banning thought?

    Considered it? Judging by most MPs, it seems to have been compulsory for many years.

  • Mike

    That this should surface at about the same time Florida amends its laws in order to enhance self-defense rights is striking. It will be interesting to see how the contrasting social experiments in the US and the UK play out. But not pretty, I suspect, for those subject to the British experiment.

    What’s next, a ban on anything with a sharp edge? I can hardly wait to find out.

  • From the BMJ article itself:

    “Knives were used to spear meat, lifting it from plate to mouth, so pointed tips were vital for this function. Also, with repeated sharpening of a flat blade, a pointed tip inevitably develops. However, now domestic knives do not need sharpening, and numerous other kitchen utensils can be used to spear food.”

    Which planet are they on?

    And why aren’t they doing the work they are paid to do anyway?

  • This is really an admission that our ruling elite has lost control of society, lawlessness has increased,random brutallity is commonplace. It is not the implements,not so many years ago the public could own handguns, many people carried a penknife of some sort, violence was not as rife as it is now. What has change is society the great “liberal” experiment has finally borne fruit, one now runs the risk of being killed for pocket change or machined gunned on the streets by teenage gangsters.
    As a footnote,the Normans would not allow the English to carry swords, the English became expert with the quarterstaff. Similarly in Japan the peasants developed karate.
    Tony Baloney should have his police protection removed,given a flat in Tower Hamlets and made to walk to work.

  • Lionstone

    Oh. Holy. Shit.

    What will all the parody artists do now that their parodies come true? Oh – duh. Fortune tellers and psychics.

  • jonturner

    I agree! Knives are very dangerous. Especially in the hands of the flood of Islamic immigrants who are refusing to assimilate. What about those head-sawing sabres? Will the brave doctors dare to ban those? Or will the threat of a fatwa keep their discussion to less-risky (for them) devices?

  • Foobarista

    How about banning large rocks, bricks, re-bars, cricket bats, women’s shoes (those spike heels, dontcha know), wrenches (spanners in UK?), and PC boards (the edges can be a bit sharp at times…

    My wife has a number of long knives for cutting large cuts of meat she buys to save money. I wonder what they’d say about her weighted cleaver? Great for chopping; goes right through bones ‘n stuff.

  • I don’t think a knife has to be pointed to behead someone. Sorry, but it just crossed my mind, because someone mentioned Islam.

  • So they going to ban bin bags as well? They are very useful for disposing of bodies lying around the house. This is just another bit of daft nannying legislation.

  • snide

    When will people finally say “thats it! no more!”???

  • Cynic

    Maybe they will have to ban stones as well after reading this following Post linked by LGF:
    “Tehran’s Killing Fields ”
    http://activistchat.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=4985&view=next

    Scroll down to get a picture of the correct size.

  • Walter E. Wallis

    The obvious solution – take your food to the police station to be sliced. There is no real need for a civilian to have knives when the professionals can slice stuff so much better.

  • All this bullshit PC would stop immediately if people simply did not OBEY!En masse simply tell them to bugger off.In countries like the UK they are not going to round you all up and have you shot for God’ s sake!
    So stop snivelling you pathetic pussies and tell those interfering bastards to go to hell.