It is a very nervous time for those of us in Britain stupid enough to be self-employed, in this age of grasping government. Because Gordon Brown is desperately short of cash and he is also desperately scared of raising any more income tax from voters employed by large organisations. So where does that leave him? It leaves him staring at me and a few other hardy self-employed souls standing out here in living-on-our-own-wits land, ready to take the hit to fill his £10 billion black hole of unfunded borrowing.
Gordon Brown is a great fat sweating thieving spurt of the devil and I hate him with every twisted fibre of my being. But I think I am going to hate him even more on Thursday morning, after his UK government budget statement on Wednesday, because the small print is almost certainly going to show me owing Her Majesty’s Government up to 70% of my direct ill-gotten income, which I currently exploit out of the oppressed banks and City corporations of England.
If he does do this, by making me pay all sorts of national insurances on dividend income, for benefits I am ineligible to claim, to try to effectively turn me into an employee of the state, he may be clever enough to remove all of the wheezes we use out here in self-employed land, to get ourselves off the hook.
And if I have no choice but to become a government employee, why become a productive one? My escape route to the US is currently blocked by forces too powerful to mention; there is no John Galt style gulch I am aware of, hidden in Wales; and I’ll be damned if I hand over 70% of my hard-earned cash to that great grasping fat Scottish whore in 11 Downing Street.
So what is a man to do? How can I best contribute to the fall of the state, retain my sanity, and get out of this financial hole? I have the perfect plan. Instead of helping to create a gulch in some unknown Welsh valley I could swallow an even more bitter pill. I could help bring on the ultimate collapse of the British government by doing something so evil, so heinous, I’ll have to destroy all the mirrors in my house to avoid catching my own reflection.
I think it may be time to consider becoming a Tax Inspector.
I will contribute nothing to the government coffers; I will waste unbelievable amounts of revenue on photocopying; and everyone I inspect will find themselves on the end of unbelievable tax rebates, backdated with incredibly generous interest payments.
Obviously I’ll have to beat myself with a nail-studded lash every evening, in strict penance, but maybe we libertarians should stop trying to avoid the state, and infect it instead, to bring the beast down? But maybe they have just got me beaten? Is this what they want me to do, to become another mindlessly destructive deadbeat drone?
Or is there another way out of this hole, to stop me entering this realm of madness? All help and bona fide US passports, stamped ‘Portsmouth, New Hampshire’, gratefully received.
BTW, if there is a man in Britain who thinks he hates Gordon Brown more than me, I am afraid you are mistaken. For it is impossible to hate Gordon Brown more than me without your head blowing off. I am the daddy.