We are developing the social individualist meta-context for the future. From the very serious to the extremely frivolous... lets see what is on the mind of the Samizdata people.

Samizdata, derived from Samizdat /n. - a system of clandestine publication of banned literature in the USSR [Russ.,= self-publishing house]

Osama’s Manifesto

“This is my open letter to the Great Satan America.

You may ask, why do I hate America and fight against it? I answer, because America is the propogator of all the evil in the world and you worship only Jewish Usury and Krispy-Kreme Donuts. What kind of a culture is that? Only America sends coach-parties of Senior Citizens to desecrate and despoil our Holy Lands. I can but weep for despair amidst an ocean of Land’s End polo shirts and stretch pants. Is there no end to your cruelty, America?

Until now, I have been content with making rude gestures to them behind their backs and grossly overcharging them for bogus relics and bottled water. But no more can I suffer these indignities. Now is the time to act.

I now declare endless jihad on the Great Satan but, you have one last chance, America, to avoid this eternal war which will lead to your destruction, by agreeing to meet my demands:

1. Bill Clinton is not black and he must get over it.

2. Britney Spears must perform her next music video wearing chador

3. Do something about Michael Jackson. Now!

4. It is time for Barbra Streisand to retire. Nothing worth so much as a camel-dropping has come out of that woman’s mouth since ‘Funny Girl’

5. You must arrange a guest starring role for me on ‘The Simpsons’

6. Please tell Al Gore to shut the f*ck up about the Florida recount. He lost! Enough whining already.

7. You must immediately refund the sum of $275 that was outrageously stolen from my cousin, Musal, by a Jew-inspired tax audit of his dry cleaning business in Chicago.

Unless you accede to all of my demands, America, then I will be all over you like a cheap burqa. You will know no respite from me. I will haunt you both by day and by night. I will take the women from your homesteads, the cattle from your farmsteads and the knobs from your bedsteads.

You have been warned, Infidel.

Osama”

11 comments to Osama’s Manifesto

  • Ian

    I thought your Observer link was the genuine article until I came across:

    “You have destroyed nature with your industrial waste and gases more than any other nation in history. Despite this, you refuse to sign the Kyoto agreement…”

    The indignation! The anticlimax! Osama in league with the eco-lefties!

  • Peter Schiavo

    When I originally read the letter, I thought Ralph Nader had written it. Come to think of it, both are of middle-eastern extraction and I’ve never seen them together in one place.

  • These demands sound entirely reasonable. I say we appease the guy.

  • madman

    I wanted to add one more demand:

    Democrats, stop calling yourselves liberals!! You are fucking socialists, get over it.

  • I wonder if he’s hiring.

  • Gweggles

    Why are American terms of ref so bloody limited Madman? Fek..have even heard reference to our current govt as socialist..and they’re only two steps to the right of Ghengis….Khan that is…and even more hiallarious is that they are official known as the Australian Liberal Party….LMFAO!!

  • “All over you like a cheap burqa.” I am so stealing that. :D

  • J. Austin Wilde

    As an American I do sincerely apologize for the bus-loads of Seniors in Land’s End polos and stretch pants. I’ll see what I can do about it, but I can’t make any promises. That’s about as much appeasement you’ll get out of me.

    Well, offing Michael Jackson I can probably handle too, but Britney in a chador? Now them’s fightin’ words…

  • zack mollusc

    America is the propogator of all the evil in the world?
    One word. France.

  • A_t

    ya-aaawn
    quit with the anglocentric french-bashing while you still look vaguely smart.