“This is my open letter to the Great Satan America.
You may ask, why do I hate America and fight against it? I answer, because America is the propogator of all the evil in the world and you worship only Jewish Usury and Krispy-Kreme Donuts. What kind of a culture is that? Only America sends coach-parties of Senior Citizens to desecrate and despoil our Holy Lands. I can but weep for despair amidst an ocean of Land’s End polo shirts and stretch pants. Is there no end to your cruelty, America?
Until now, I have been content with making rude gestures to them behind their backs and grossly overcharging them for bogus relics and bottled water. But no more can I suffer these indignities. Now is the time to act.
I now declare endless jihad on the Great Satan but, you have one last chance, America, to avoid this eternal war which will lead to your destruction, by agreeing to meet my demands:
1. Bill Clinton is not black and he must get over it.
2. Britney Spears must perform her next music video wearing chador
3. Do something about Michael Jackson. Now!
4. It is time for Barbra Streisand to retire. Nothing worth so much as a camel-dropping has come out of that woman’s mouth since ‘Funny Girl’
5. You must arrange a guest starring role for me on ‘The Simpsons’
6. Please tell Al Gore to shut the f*ck up about the Florida recount. He lost! Enough whining already.
7. You must immediately refund the sum of $275 that was outrageously stolen from my cousin, Musal, by a Jew-inspired tax audit of his dry cleaning business in Chicago.
Unless you accede to all of my demands, America, then I will be all over you like a cheap burqa. You will know no respite from me. I will haunt you both by day and by night. I will take the women from your homesteads, the cattle from your farmsteads and the knobs from your bedsteads.
You have been warned, Infidel.